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It has been a long time since I filled this space. It certainly hasn’t been for lack of words, or creative things to write about. By now we all know my greatest way of expressing myself is when I give myself some room to write it. It is my sacred raw art.

Art seem so vast when considering what an artist is. When you create you are art. I recently have received this in my heart knowing that my creativity, what I birth into the world, is my personal artistic expression.

A young beautiful spirit helped me to recognize and honor this recently. I was laying on her table as she tattooed my shoulder and arm for hours. She was discussing her own journey as an artist. She was not born to only be a tattoo artist, but a beautiful botanical water color painter and all around creator. There are things even she has not released about her potential or what will move her that is to come. She knows, however, she does not need to be defined only on what pays her bills for the moment. As she discussed this with me, I felt a deep kindred response in spirit to this.

My nine lives that people love to kid that I have lived in one life, isn’t because I give up easy, it is because I need to create new. I need to grow an change. I am forever budding and blossoming. I can never stay in stagnancy and create. I can never birth to the world my best self when I am sitting in repressed pain and numbing. I need to feel it all, heal, and rebirth.

I haven’t been missing from this space because of lack motivation or inspiration, but because of movement. The past year I have finally produced what God has asked me to do for decades. I finally wrote a book proposal of my memoir. It has plucked every part of my being out of me and into my art. I literally poured my heart and soul into it. Today my friends, I deliver it.

It contains all of who I am, and how God has moved me through it. It released generational pain that I repressed in hopes it would disappear. It reshaped my art as no longer inspirational, but of my deeply raw core, clutching for mercy upon the reader. My art for the very first time, exudes all me, in all nature.

Not so surprisingly, the tattoo I recently got from the beautiful artist, symbolized this. Not only was it an ode to the major women in my life and how our favorite flower is a peony, it was about growth. The beautiful artiest portrayed the story of how I often bloom in beauty, but also struggle in a bud waiting to bloom.

Life as an artist, regardless of what it is, is the ebb and flow of allowing room for the “and both”. We must continue in honoring what helped us to blossom, while also sitting in the process of the bud to bloom.

I am grateful to be able to birth words into the world that impact others, simply by being who God has created me to be.

Self Havening For Everyday Healing

I continue to learn the same lessons in different ways. It’s so incredibly hard to break cycles – especially the ones we create. 
As for 2020 – it wasn’t a cursed word for me – it was a perspective I didn’t expect. It blessed me with learning how be independent not only in my thoughts but in my life. It re rooted me to a space that is new! I’m really learning to grow in it while not forgetting WHO I WAS MADE TO BE! Perhaps the resolution to a new year, or reminders of lessons we are in need of (or still in need of) are not perhaps to slay the cycle but alter it a bit little by little. Its like hitting the refresh button but still relying on it to be the same internet. We can expect to change from 11:59pm to 12 am. We must allow ourselves the grace to re-live the lessons if we must, while celebrating all the things we have overcome.

Here are some lessons I wrote circa 2018 that I still find incredibly valid in the now. Perhaps this list will get shorter over time, perhaps it will grow. Most likely it will waver year to year on what is needed, and what has been let go.

*I can’t read minds nor can others.

*If I expect someone to know how I feel I must use my voice even if it’s whisper it is MINE

*it’s ok to let people leave out of your life without explanation. Sometimes there isn’t one. 

*love doesn’t actually always win but it always matters 

*boundaries isn’t a dirty word it’s a SAFE word 

*find some type of exercise that makes you feel strong not for weight issues but for mind ones.  

*it’s not only important to say no, or to stop apologizing for everything – it’s imperative for self worth 

*don’t make yourself little for others when the king of kings made you to be mighty 

*it’s ok to realize things that once brought you joy can come to end. You have served your time. Keep moving and seeking for what makes your heart dance in the fire 

*first the pain then the rising. Personal growth doesn’t happen over night or in a linear way. It is messy and necessary. 

*I can never have enough amazing friends —- there is room in my heart for the world 

I lead into 2021 with honoring the pain and forgiving those that caused it by being grateful for the lesson they have provided me. 
And for those I caused pain to… forgive me. I am human. I hope in some way it will serve you too.
2020 has been a hard year on people’s hearts and minds. It has wrecked havoc on feelings of connective worth. Let’s be BOLD in taking on – holding the hearts of humans – no matter where they are at or what they choose to believe. More love 2021 – MORE LOVE!

God Aligns Us With Those In Pursuit Of His Glory And Helps To Set Our Souls A Fire In Our Earthly Vessels

My humanness sometimes gets the best of me. I forget that it is limiting. Often times this human self, strangles the beauty of my soul to fall away and unalign with what I am made of. However, on earth I am not allowed to live as my spirit but as a human. So my humanness gets in the way of me quite often. My spirit, since dying, scourers the earth seeking anything that reminds or connects me back to heaven. My greatest joy in my even scavenger hunts. I seek them in peoples, places, and things. I find them rarely.

I have noticed in this new space that I now call home, that parts of my humanness have become highlighted. The need to be seen. The need to be understood. The need to assimilate. The undying cross to bare for all humans, the need to fit in and be included. Just writing these words absolutely exhaust me and admittedly bring me shame. Shame, because I know better. If I have learned anything in my 44 years of life it has been many will not see me, most will not understand my being, I should NOT EVER assimilate, and 99% of the time I will never “fit in”, because Jesus made me in a particular way to not fit the mold. I was born against the grain, swimming up stream, only catering to what He has called me to do.

Finding ones people can also come on varying levels of need. I can easily be a chameleon in the level of fun friendships. I can adjust to not needing to divulge all of who I am to everyone, all the time. I can just wave a hello to neighbors that simply just want to say hi. I can adjust in a group even though I prefer one on ones. I can allow space and time to grow true depth with people because most of the time, the real juicy goodness we all yearn to have in our lives, doesn’t come with fear of missing out on a party, but time diving into someones spirit not human. It can not be rushed, nor labeled as truth, without bing nurtured and honored first.

Sometimes, however, connections are made so easy and seamless, that there is no other question to what it could be other than God. Sometimes, it takes zero effort to conform or whittle my circle self peg into a square one. Sometimes, on earth, our spirits actually lead, and our humanness fall away, when we find our Godly people. Its a needle in a haystack. It is my favorite schavenger hunt that I have only won at a handful of times. However when I find that person, the winning piece is not having to explain who I am and why. They know because our souls know each other before our humans ever did.

A few months ago, I was blessed early in my move across country, to encounter a bright beaming heavenly light, surrounded by artificial earthly color. I had joined a church group of woman that met on the beach every Saturday to speak of the past weeks sermon and reflect on our lives. It was nugget of gold in my new found world. One of those Saturdays, Nicole sat across from me. I never met her, but I knew her. My intuitive self knew immediately that she would be a great friend of mine. Last time this happened to me, a now pillar of my faith circle and dear friend, was speaking at a room full of woman at my old church. When a moment like this happens I know it is only God aligning my biggest treasures. It took all of me to not stand up, press my hands to the sky, and say “Thank you Lord for doing this again”! As the group progressed, it was clear we had a lot in common, including our passion for prayer. We exchanged phone numbers and discussed briefly getting our daughters together. I texted her when I got home full of excitement and wonder. Then life happened and we lost contact for a moment. She didn’t come to any other beach church groups in the weeks after. I didn’t want to bother her by saying seemingly scary things like “Jesus told me we need to be friends”.

One day I was dropping my daughter off at basketball and I saw her light from across the parking lot. Low and behold, she was now officially the first person I ran into by accident in my new town, that wasn’t someone living in my neighborhood. She looked at me and said “aren’t you the girl I was supposed to get together with for coffee”. We laughed at the coincidence and made plans. Plans we would later cancel and reschedule a few times. Here is the thing. This lovely woman is not only a mom of three, but a nurse, and someone from this area. She doesn’t need to make time for the new girl, (which happens daily in this town by the sea), nor does she have moments to spare in her busy day to day. She still does though, because her soul knows too. We schedule a month out in hopes it works.

One day I was driving to my new gynecologists office, in a city about a half hour or so away from the town I live in. Nicoles name came in my mind and I asked God why. He said what she and I were both seeking in church, we would find together. He told me some specific things I made note to text her about later. I arrived at the office. Everyone is masked and I see this woman staring at me. The girl in me that lived in New York City wants to ask “what are you staring at?”. Luckily, before my pre-coffee grit came out, she squealed, laughed, and said “Hey girlllll”. We hugged in a waiting room full of people masked and distanced, because opps the spirit moved us. In that exact moment she was leaving, and I was coming. Another moment God was like, “Ladies I did it again and put you in the same place at the same time. Have you gotten the message yet?”.

We texted like crazy after that, because I had to discuss what the Lord had pressed into me. She randomly asked me if I knew anyone that had a litter of puppies because she was on the hunt for one to surprise her kids for Christmas. I wondered why on earth she would ask me? I was brand new to the area and barely know a soul. The next day a girl I knew from high school that lives about an hour from me posted her litter of puppies. I could not believe it. Although it didn’t end up being the puppy for her, I was very aware of the lesson. God can make anything happen. He works beyond my ability or awareness of “knowing people”, and reminded me all the answers and all the power is always in Him.

Our original plans for months have been to get our kids together, which to date we haven’t. I wonder if this is a secondary of Gods plan because it seems He keeps aligning she and I first. Not so ironically, my daughter switched schools, and now our daughters are in the same class together, noting this is a very large school system. Gods work at its best.

Recently, Nicole invited me to a church service in our quest to find the most Holy Spirit filled house of God. Which, honestly, I never thought I would miss my church so badly up north! While we praised the Lord, I felt instantly He was full of joy knowing we finally showed up purposefully together not only in a space, but HIS space.

I don’t know what mighty plans He has for us. I do know, they are vibrant and heavenly. I do know that although it was instant and seamless, we still need to make the time to nurture and honor. I do know, I already won this round of the heavenly scavenger hunt and everything else is a bonus!

Note to self and to my readers: never under estimate a “by chance” meeting. A single moment can alter everything. All things are possible when our focus is aligned with the Lord.

I have had so much to say in my silence.

Silenced by other peoples opinions on how I should think or feel. I have sat with it, wondering, when in my life I ever let that stop me from speaking. I came to the conclusion it is when people I love are now sitting on the opposite side of me. Perhaps I will lose some, while I peel back the mandated mask of facade they call love, I call conditions. This is a risk I must take not only in tip toeing around peoples delicate feelings, but also to reveal and cherish those who truly love me without conditions.

Recently I was watching an Instagram video on a wildly popular author that I used to idolize. A year ago I would not ever think my feelings or portrayal of her would ever change. In fact, I went on a limb calling her retreat as being the single most life changing event in self discovery, I had ever experienced. When actually, the discovery was, it wasn’t a discovery after all. It was a desperation of belonging and willingness to believe her words had more power than mine. It was an agenda with a fluffed up version of Christianity that was to fit the needs of idolizing thy self. Honestly, I kept feeling this truth often, and pushing it aside. I identified her story as my story. Until, one day it so wasn’t, and was so telling. This idolization of self was dangerous and dark. For months, I felt a guided push away from her. I would read things she posted and my spirit would rebuke what she said. Then, this day happened. I was watching her Instagram video being streamed from that same state I live in. She was literally whining and complaining how she didn’t feel “loved” in her community because they were voting a different way from her. She discussed how in the same community people want pictures with her, read her books, and like her. However, this poor girl, a white millionaire woman, with multiple New York Times Best Sellers, didn’t feel loved. She didn’t feel loved over other peoples right to vote. How does that the only qualifier of love?

For me, this was a breaking point. It wasn’t because of her political choice I was willing to no longer buy into her self-help Christianity. It was because this woman who I used to think was the epitome of inclusive, togetherness, was actually part of the divide. Did she know why all of those people in her community were voting the way they did? Why is the right vote ONLY about what she considers to be most important?

This struck a chord in me because weeks prior I felt completely betrayed and let down, by many I love or had at least liked, on social media. I had posted a reference in being kind to even those who vote a different way than you. I received a backlash of bitter disgust, that as someone as sensitive as I am, had a hard time digesting for weeks. I gently explained I didn’t know who I was voting for at the time because I had varied amount of policies to consider. I was told I was a homophobe and racist nearly because I considered not voting their way. After serving as a huge advocate for decades in social justice, choosing to work only in communities that were in need of such advocacy, and personally identifying as love, I was shocked to see such venom. Especially knowing many hadn’t ever spent a day in these communities helping others find housing, or employment, or food. Social justice suddenly became a movement that was no longer focused on togetherness, but on “who’s side are you on”.

I considered sending that author who had the privilege to stream from her million dollar home on the water, with her healthy kids, about how unloved she felt, a letter about perhaps she didn’t know the whole story for ALL the people. How my husband and I barely kept my son alive for years! How the CDC regulations on Lyme disease worked against us and nearly killed him. How we spent thousands of dollars out of pocket, on a prayer and hope. How when I left Connecticut a few months ago, the Democratic Party, I once felt completely aligned with, wanted to take my rights away from saying no to vaccines that could cause my son his verbal and/or physical ability or possibly death. I want to say, I voted for my son because I need to keep him alive. Mandated vaccines are dangerous for kids like him who aren’t “sick enough” for a medical exempts. Frankly, I wanted to say, how is it I can get an abortion in this country, but not have a say in my childs health. What happened to “My body my choice”? Suddenly that only applies to one sex and one part of our body? I wanted to say, I will continue to send you love and grace because that’s what we are meant for. I wanted to say thank you God we live in a country with the freedom of choice and the right to vote. I wanted to remind her that Jesus loves her, she doesn’t need to be filled by humans love. I wanted to tell her, the things she preaches against, was exactly how she made me feel. Alone. Not included. Not accepted. She did this by saying “if you love me you will vote the same way as me”, while negating everyone elses story. Including my own, that I felt torn between voting for my son, and being a “good person” she had taught me to be.

Not so ironically, it was the people I met at her weekend training that decided to unfriend me and write posts about how I should “f*ck off” or degrade me about my sexuality, Christianity, and my race. That I was no longer loved or a part of them for saying I didn’t know who I may vote for. This my friends, is what happens when we buy into a collective endorsement of divide. We lose the understanding and the depths of peoples hearts. We stop asking why, and we decide our agenda is the most important. We place people into “the right ones who care for people” and the one “wrong ones who don’t care for people”. Without asking the person who they care for and why?

Love should not come with conditions over a political stance, just as we should not over a religion, or a race, or a sexual identity, or parental views, or career choices, or what we do or don’t do to our own bodies. Love is saying “I see you and hold you” no matter what.

An easy answer for some may be I have changed. However, to live and experience life, it to not stay stagnant. What should remain the same if the love is true, is love.

True love stays. Facade conditional love can be left to the box on the left.

Choosing Joy In 2020

Man people get pissed off when you choose joy in 2020. I know I was one of them. The term misery loves company became a country for a while. I have vowed to the Lord, I would intercede on this and pray for this to break. We don’t need misery, we need JOY.

It was hard to tell but I was barely holding on. Not only because of my own fear and isolation, but everyone elses. It happens when you are a feeler of all things. The north had gifted so many wonderful things to me, a quarantine wasn’t one of them. People felt so heavy filling themselves with so much fear and rage. I became that and was sinking. Down, down, down, I retreated into the dark places of me. I retreated to the places I saw in others. The places where we could no longer dare to look eye to eye in the grocery store, because perhaps showing joy meant I was also not afraid. Perhaps I could contract this virus by even acknowledging life outside of me.

Moving south saved me for many reasons. One being I never knew how much my being needed light. For the entire month of March 2020 shut in up north, it was cold, rainy, dark, with no light. Another, being my need to soak my crying aching bones in water for long periods of time, and plant my feet in sand to remind myself who I belong too. Certainly I do not belong to people, but to the almighty one. A reminder I continue to need over and over again during this very trying, very divided, time in history.

Even though the media portrayed my new home as being careless and contaminated, it was the safest place I had felt to date. People looked into each other eyes with joy and said good morning. There are masks and distancing, but there isn’t deep rooted fear and rage or judgement of others not willing to live like that. There was just peace. The energy of the space helped me to breathe, and I no longer felt like I hanging on day by day. I was no longer afraid to live.

My perspective from North to South changed in an instant. I can never have this day back, and if I am gifted tomorrow, I should be treating it as such: A GIFT. Do I want to live it inside four walls miserable, anxious, pissed off at others living their lives, afraid, and seeping-dripping in only social media energy and “facts”? For a time I had to. It was essential for all of us. But then, it wasn’t, and while most of the country stood still worried to exit, my bold new state opened with caution.

I found this to be a continued reflection of my spirit. I have always been a go against the grain girl. I love that I live in a state that boldly says we will choose light over darkness. Admittedly, when we were on strict lock down in Connecticut, I had to leave and get coffee daily. Yes I love caffeine, but more so for my mental health because I was legit falling away. Many who knew scolded me. They said I was doing it wrong. But what they couldn’t see was it was that, or lose me completely.

That doesn’t mean I wasn’t out of my mind crazy scared sending my three kids back to school full time. I was. We all were. I didn’t know one single parent that didn’t think the virus was not something to worry about. However, we all collectively choose to arm our kids with masks and sanitizers, and go live life. This in no ways means I didn’t understand or have compassion for families that choose differently than me. Frankly, my kids had lost a great amount of who they are by being shut in for to many months. More than academics, I wanted them to live the life God intended for them. For me, this meant to seek connection with real people, not water downed superficial connection on the internet and to experience different environments that breathed light into their lives. Its been over a month, and I am so happy to report our very large school district has had very few cases. I pray it continues as such, as our kids are thriving with old routines of in person school, with new routines of caution (masks and distance).

I certainly feel like as a family we have been blessed to be thriving in joy while our country is not. This goes well beyond a pandemic, it goes in to a spiritual war of who holds your heart? Light or dark? It isn’t 2020 that has served you bad food for thought, it is the enemy. The one that wants you to be full of rage on the internet everyday. The one that wants you to cut all your family and friends out. The one who wants you to judge someone like me that refuses to not choose JOY. The one who wants you to despise the person that doesn’t vote or think like you. The one that helps you make assumptions/ labels/judgements against whole groups of people that may or may not think like you, while you may continually think you are posting about peace, love, and inclusion (inclusion includes everyone- not just the certain groups you stand with). The one who loves isolation and the use of technology over all else. The one who saw my post on Facebook asking for people to post blessings of 2020 to change the vibe and knew nobody would bite. The one who wants you to detach from actual real connection, and seek false ones. The one who had me for awhile, convincing me God had left us. The one who fought me when I tried to get out of bed everyday. The one who kept trying to convince me I should do what the masses do. We aren’t divided by politics, they are forever changing and will forever change, it is a facade of you against them. We are divided by who and what we let into our hearts on a universal cosmic level. It is spirit to spirit not man to man.

The promise of God includes He will never change, and will always rule. This is how I am able to choose Joy no matter the president of this country I love. I don’t fit in either side, nor do I want to. Because the only side I will forever belong to is Jesus. I will cling to the heaven I have been too. I pray for it to come down and take hold of all the hearts suffering from the persuasion of the enemy. I pray for unity. I pray for all to seek each others spirit in remembering humans aren’t the enemy- the enemy IS the enemy. Be vigilant in not letting him in no matter what he promises.

God is good ALL the time. Even in 2020. You may not see it. You may not feel it. You may be wondering where is this God I have believed in gone? He is right beside you, wanting and waiting for you to give up the heaviness in your heart to Him and choose Joy. I eat Joy for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I also count ALL my blessing of 2020. CHOOSE to count the blessings not the hardships.

I will love you. Every single one of you. Every day. Not just today or November 3, every day. No matter what you may want to say about me. No matter if you deem me worthy in keeping me in your life. Because we belong to each other. And more importantly all of us belong to Him.

The Middle

FD30A064-517F-400A-9782-FD991C0B5EC1Is it me, or is anyone else feeling as if they are the children involved in the nasty divorce called “2020”? “Pick a side”, they scream! “Don’t you care about _______ (insert heartbreaking subject being used by either side to gain ones guilt or compassion to sway)?” “Why aren’t you afraid? or full of rage?””You don’t love this country enough!” “You are part of the problem if …..(fill in the blank with polarized judgment)”. “I can’t love you if you don’t think like I do.”

Everything is up for grabs: Integrity. Hearts. Compassion. Desires. Wealth. Health. Sanity. Maturity. Spiritual Beliefs. Knowledge. One side gnawing at my leg telling me how to walk, while the other gnawing at my brain telling me how to think. All forgetting what is the biggest need to focus on these days: HUMANITY.

The list of people will come out to testify on why their side IS for humanity. While the ones in the middle watch in horror, as testimonies made in the name of humanity, actually cultivate more division. These dark days there is little compassion for others and their individual pursuits uphill, and major motivation for large common topics that are saturated in human need to be right with their agenda while holding a facade of caring for the greater good.

I don’t want full custody to go to either one side. I don’t want to be owned to rage, divide, fear, and painstakingly, exhausting, self-absorption. I want to only be owned in unity of God’s love.

Perhaps being quarantined has impacted peoples ability to care about everyone as a whole. `Instead, it has glorified self-sufficient tendencies and a lie that one can live without human to human connection and replace it with technology. Perhaps the amount of time one has on their hands to divide and conquer, became more pressing than checking in with someone, regardless of political views, and saying “I am here”.

Looming over us is judgement day this coming November, like a dark cloud following us that we can’t shake. One side will lose, causing more inflamed rage than they have ever felt before! The winner will announce victory, in less than a humble way. When at heart, there will be no winner, because we will all lose what we once had before a pandemic hit: love for humanity without a political agenda string attached. Both sides have set the dominos off, they are falling, falling, falling.

We, the middle, labeled complacent in our morale and values by both sides seeking custody. Our numbers will dwindle here because we will be bullied into believing if we do not choose we are less than them. We will be casualties of a world owned my rage and divide instead of our dream of a nation as one.

Whatever side wins in this polarizing divorce of our country, my only idol, who I follow, is Jesus. No man, no political party, will ever own my being. I vote for love ALL.

 

 

 

 

The Piece To The Puzzle

bridge

“You are the absolute oldest soul I have ever known”, she said looking over at me while eating lettuce wraps at the Cheese Cake Factory. This wasn’t a normal Friday night that two high school girls, that have known each other since first grade, would have. She and I sat there discussing the meaning of life, faith, and what our purpose was. When she spoke those words to me, it was as if I was wholly seen for the first time, on how ancient my soul was. My body might have been seventeen, but my soul was older than most that were alive in the world.

Years later my friend from college looked at me and said,”You are beyond deep. You are like an abyss. In fact that is what I am going to call you”. She knew that for me to survive in this world I could not and would not function on surface material. I can be fun, carefree, wild even, but I always return to the best part of me that is always seeking the most knowing and truth out of any and all situations. I am constantly reflecting on: does this serve my greatest purpose? All people, places, and things, are often put on display for a magnifying, detail oriented, discovery of: Is this still valid for me and who I intend to become?

I am human sadly, more than I am my soul. Meaning, the human in me often holds onto things I KNOW are no longer for me out of the heart. My soul on the other hand, is always waiting for what the universe has in store for me next,  like a child awaiting to open gifts on Christmas. I like to look at life as being equivalent to a giant puzzle we are seeking to master. We continue to seek, piece by piece, working toward the bigger picture. Often we are stuck on a particular piece. There are times certain things take up entire corners of the picture then suddenly disappear in the next. The human wants to see the big picture now before doing the work, and try to control the outcome. The soul knows the real work is the element of surprise and the unknowing with zero control. I often sit in the middle. I pray. I manifest. While I also lead with where and what God leads me too. Almost a sky dive into blind faith knowing ALWAYS the He has me.

I haven’t written here in a while because God put me on pause. He was calling to move me to this amazing, tropical, dream come true, place. He wanted me to settle in while also seeking Him in new people, places, and things, in this new space. He has lined things  up for us almost effortlessly, in order for our human eyes to recognize this is way beyond our control.

While in this process, he has blessed me with moments that have set me free. One was a call from an administrator from my old school system. She originally was calling me regarding my new but now closed business, and hadn’t heard that I moved. When I told her, it opened up  conversation on a variety of things such as why I left the school system, why I moved to Florida, and most importantly, being obedient to God. I was able to tell her things I observed in her as a God intended leader, and she was able to tell me why I left an impression. She also gave to me what I was seeking most from the ending of that job that I put the most of who I am into: permission to leave and closure. It reminded me that a huge part of my puzzle was this school system, but in this part of my glorious life picture, it was no longer needed to identify me. In fact, she reminded me, the only thing I need to be identified by was HIM.

I noticed the other day, when I was getting to know a new neighbor, that I often don’t know how to “sum up” who or what I am. Most humans get accolades for staying in the same job for decades, when in spirit, this makes my heart so sad. When I was leaving my last job I was telling a friend that I never stay that long (I had been there for 7 years). The friend said perhaps that isn’t something to be too proud or boastful about. To me its an accolade of the soul that doesn’t EVER settle. It is the “abyss” working at its best, magnifying details over asking my soul: “Is this still relevant? Is this still for me?” Kudos to the people who have lived lives doing the same thing for sixty years that takes tremendous motivation and determination. For me, I literally can not remain stagnant in something ever. For me, it is one of my very favorite qualities in who I am because it makes me a bit of a chameleon. Not a chameleon to blend in, but one to rediscover and change who I am. Those who know me best know I will never ever blend in. NOT EVER.

So what do I tell the new neighbor about what I do for living or who I am? Do I talk about the years I worked with teen gang members in drug rehab in Brooklyn, or homeless teens on the streets of Boston? Do I talk about going back for another masters degree to become a teacher, and teaching third grade in the Bronx? Do I talk about being a stay at home mom for seven years, or being a Mommy blogger when that was hot? Do I say I used to sell fair trade jewelry or that I sell skincare? Do I talk about being a school social worker for years, working harder than I have ever did anywhere, and walking away with severe post traumatic stress system? Or perhaps, do I share the day the Lord told me to open a healing business in Newtown, CT, and I did? Do I discuss my born giftings that were enhanced and found after learning reiki and Havening both in the name of Christ?

When thinking about this list, I realized my old soul that my high school friend acknowledged that day, was also old in this life too. I may be 43, but I have lived in one persons life, many lives. If you ask me what I love about myself the most it is how I love and how brave I am in becoming. I am always becoming.

Transformation is what brings the next piece of the puzzle. It is what makes a simple toddler puzzle become a limitless jigsaw one. In fact, at this point in the game, I believe I am a 4D jigsaw puzzle that may end up looking like Legoland by the time I am done recreating.

Why do I share this story with you? The deepest part of me wants you to know, you should not be able to sum up who you are in a sentence or two. It should take people months, if not years, to sum up your journey. There is great freedom on the other side of fear of “I am afraid to try”. When I died and came back after Jesus asked me “What have you done for your fellow man?”- I included myself. I serve others AND MYSELF, but most of all I SERVE HIM. I will never go back home with an unfinished story to my puzzle. Next time Jesus will look at it, smile, and beam with parental joy, and say “Well done”. It is my ultimate goal and joy to spread and share this purpose.

Let your life puzzle pieces be limitless. Let your soul live many lives in one life. Do not get distracted by the likes in the world that want to keep you afraid and stagnant. The world needs the next you. The next you can be the piece to my puzzle that my soul is waiting upon. This is how humanity works my friends. It’s not gender, cultural, language specific, but hundred precent soul depending on soul, to gather up the ultimate big picture of things.

What is your next puzzle piece?

The End.

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I used to take it all so personal.

All of it as a personal attack on who I am and what I have seemingly done wrong. I need “closure” I would say. I need to know why someone had chosen to leave me because I needed to fix it. It always had to be me.

Then one of the most beautiful humans in my life that loves me tremendously told me something that began to change my life: “Its not always about you”.
She had exited my life for years and I mourned her. I thought she had left because I did wrong. I thought I was no long capable to be loved by her. When actually she always loved me, she just had a personal time in her life that she needed to focus on something else that had nothing to do with me. Yet for that decade of loss I swallowed it whole as my cross to bare.

Our brains, especially in little girls who always thought their soul existence was to please those they love, like to revert to worst case scenario dialonge. My chosen narrative is always “Aimee you did this and you are wrong”. Regardless of how someone has treated me, or the environment I was put it, it was always me. I always, very willingly, swallowEd the jagged pill of “up you did it again”. When the truth actually is, 90% it has nothing to do with me.

I am a lover of knowing the entire narrative truth to human connection especially when it is with me. I am a therapist after all. One of my favorite past times is studying human behavior and understanding why people do the things they do. We all cross paths with people that have wronged us. For me its the people that have known me well enough to know a silent exit isn’t exactly a form of a love letter to me. If you think this blog post is about you, it probably is! However, my recent revelation is, its also not their job to deliver what I think is closure on a silver platter! Actually, often in these cases, there is no need for it, except for my bruised ego feeling like “why would anyone leave me”. You know why? Everyone gets left and for some very good reasons. Some of which has nothing to do with me!

I am in the unique phase of life of feeling like I am now the shedder. I can not hold on to everyone and everything in order to become what is waiting for me. This is a hard acknowledgement, as I am used to trying to white knuckle hold on to absolutely everything, even the things that no longer serve me. I used to call this loyalty. Now I realize it is self loathing and self abandonment. In order to grow, one must let go.

I owe zero people an explanation of why. I owe zero people my life to be held stagnant in order for theirs to feel good. I owe zero people Aimee.

I owe Aimee growth and development in the most light filled moving forward thinking  way. To do this, I must be brave and willing.

So my mindset of endings has changed. I am ending my timeline of life here in this town in Connecticut for a variety of reasons. One happens to be my family and their urge for changes. Another is I just don’t feel like I fit here anymore. I am ending my timeline of life in a home I birthed babies in and build love upon. Leaving it beaming with all I gave for the next family to own and digest. There is another home, in a different state, calling to be filled with new developments of our lives and new love. I am ending my timeline of  life with several human connections that once meant a great amount to me here. However, leaving, I know our time here is done. For me, this is a huge revelation, knowing it doesn’t need to be discussed. It doesn’t need to be analyzed by my therapist eye. It just needs to be honored and left with peace.

My thought of closure has changed. I no longer need it to survive. I no longer use it as a mirror of my reflection and or a tattoo of how I fell short in loving someone. I no longer look at it as a wronged I need to make right. Lets me honest, plenty of toxic people have regained access by utilizing said closure doors. What I need is to leave a space or a human with peace. The saying “when one door closes another opens” applies to humans too. Opportunity to grow and learn is only limited by what you are holding onto that you are no longer supposed to have.

I will miss many parts of what this state, town, home, and people have held for me. I will also open wildly to what my next state, town, home, and people, have in store for me.

The ultimate lesson in life is when you know when to go and give yourself permission to do so.

Thank you pandemic for teaching me this. Without it, I would have orchestrated many “closures” that didn’t need to be dissected. Instead, I leave with peace.

I no longer take it personal. I take it as a badge of bravery.

Sometimes we are much braver then we think. Sometimes we limit ourselves to what we are comfortable in. Will you lay on the surfboard forever? Or will your dare to rise and stand?

You only answer to your own self proclaimed “I can’t do’s”. Do the hard things that make you tremble in fear, in order to birth what is beautiful in faith and love.

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Early in February, I was convinced I had the flu. I woke up one day with a sore throat and a low grade fever. It grew into exhaustion, a dry cough, ear pain, extreme body aches, and losing my breath just from walking from one room to the next. I literally said out loud to my husband that I felt like I was dying.

I first went to my doctors office. They asked me to wear a mask. It wasn’t my regular physician. He spent about five minutes with me, tested me for the flu and for strep (which came back negative), and said “seems like you have some weird bronchitis type of thing”. He prescribed me antibiotics.

Two days went by and I felt even worse. I went to the CVS minute clinic. They retested me for the flu and strep. We both were convinced one of these would come back positive. I could barely keep my head up or breathe walking from one area to the other. Both tests came back negative. She looked in my ear and said I had an infection. She said, “although you have an ear infection, this isn’t the whole story. There is something else going on here that I can’t seem to diagnosis”. She gave me a new antibiotic and told me if symptoms became worse, to call the doctor or go to my nearest emergency room.

A few days later I felt back to myself somewhat. It was a good ten days I had a mild fever and symptoms that seem to gain momentum, back off, and then come back harder. It took another two weeks after that, to regain a normal breathing pattern.

This was literally weeks before Covid-19 Pandemic broke out. I am convinced I had the virus. I am convinced there was many more like me. How many of us were diagnosed with some “weird bronchitis type of thing” or told “there is something else going on”?How many others could I have infected? In the weeks between my sickness and the lockdown, I had been a lot places including two air planes and another state!

For me, yes I got “healthy” again in ten days time, but I also felt like I was drowning and aching for that entire span. I had never in my life felt something quite like it. So for the people in the back saying it is just a mild cold, the government is over reacting, it doesn’t affect my age group: I fought to breathe, open my eyes, and move my aching body, everyday of that ten day span. I am grateful to be alive.

Little did I know weeks later, these were the main symptoms the world would be concerned over. Little did I know wearing a mask would be key to entering the public. Little did I know we would be asked for months to stay in our homes. Little did I know this “weird bronchitis type virus” would not only kill the old or immune compromised, but many of all ages.

Little did I know, our lives would significantly change not only as a person, or a family, but a nation.