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Archive for November, 2018

Your Value

10FE7D0D-C479-4280-90C0-F057D5327C21.jpegWhat I know for sure is- the world will spoon feed you false truths that sometimes is disguised as others things.
Things like …
😳If you don’t do ——this will happen.
💰Your worth is in your paycheck and your value is in your status of being at the top of your game.
🧐What will others think if you don’t ———-.
🏃‍♂️Hustle harder enjoy life later.

What if instead of always being in a hurry to get somewhere to be somebody- you honor all that you are NOW by being still? What if you put your phone down, closed your computer at the end of the work day and kept it closed until the next one, got off the business phone calls when the kids are home, made time to exercise/meditate, called a friend you keep saying “someday when I have time”, hugged your kids longer, made time to heal your inner demons instead of rushing through life trying to hide from them, honoring your value as an incredible handmade beautiful divine being over a paycheck or title or living a life that isn’t authenticity you.
What if you focused all of who you are and what you do – souly on the intention of love?
Love it yourself.
And others- while not sacrifice you.

This is the space I have lived in for the past few months. I knew the day I walked on the sands of the Cayman Islands – I would never be the same. My intentions shifted from what the world expected of me – and WHO I wanted to be.

I no longer will make space for those undeserving of it.
I won’t apologize for not doing what others expect or letting them down when it costs me- ME!
I will raise my peers instead of compete with them.
I will honor the important work it takes to be the best versions of ourselves.
I will do the work.
The HARD work is the inner stuff not the outter.
I will love love love … and when I think I can’t love anymore —- I will love more!
And I will slow the HELL down and live in the moment.

We aren’t promised the tomorrows some of these memes promised.
Our kids won’t remember the nice beach you retire on someday— they will remember the hours they felt ignored and unloved because you were to busy working so hard.
There will always be something not done or that you can do better.
The most important is taking care of YOU.
Your value is the divine masterpiece you were made to be – not in our materialistic earths value.
Honor this.
Know it’s ok to say no. It’s ok to let others go. It’s ok to choose YOU.

You are enough as is. You don’t need to hustle to be extra- you need to slow down and love YOU.
The best kind of unity starts within.
Become ONE with you.
Own You.
Love YOU.
The rest will come as it is meant.

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Owning ME #METOO

It’s so heavy. It screams “nobody cares”-“you are worthless”- “everyone else matters but you don’t”-“you aren’t safe without fat”-“food is what loves you the world does not”.

This weight you see around my waist is my protection. It is gained so that you see past the vessel I entered, and look at the soul that I am. A soul that is protected from a world that has sent her a memo more times that she can count, that being small and pretty sums her up enough and that no other qualities matter.

I am here to tell you it does not. I am so much more. So much more than what the weight tells me I am.

This may just be the most honest writing piece I have ever written.  I am showing up raw, honest, and overweight. I am here to tell you a story of a girl who thought she never had the right to say no. A girl who used to be me.

I was a provocative teenager. I had all the signs of a student that needed to be asked some very particular questions, but nobody ever did. Nobody saw me unless I was either provocative or being an adult in a teen body. There was no inbetween.

Apparently, this behavior of mine, was an open invitation to a high school male teacher of mine, who didn’t think twice, to kiss me on the lips in front of my friend one day after school. Since this was not the first time an older “gentlemen” had taught me that I didn’t have the right to say “no” or have ownership to my own being, I never told a soul. I was under the impression I was here to serve and make others happy, even at the expense of my very being. Even when my body revolted, I hushed her and told her -“ you are there to make others happy- you don’t matter”.

I desperately tried to gain weight in college. Many thought it was a gift to eat everything you want and not gain a pound. I saw it as curse that kept me unsafe. I walked the streets of Boston desperate for someone to invest in who I truly was, then seeing a size 0/2 pretty girl who felt wildly unsafe in a world that had gifted her the inability to feel like she owned herself. Instead I was called “easy” becauase I gave my rights over to anyone willing to seek them.

Every cat call, very touch of my backside, every lude comment, I grew deeper into being a person that desperately wanted to cocoon herself. I never felt pretty, I felt dirty, unworthy, used, and misunderstood.

In my twenties, I believed the man I dated for years, that nobody would ever want me. I was at my prime. On the outside I was dating a handsome man and I carried myself like a woman who wouldn’t need to be reminded she was pretty. It was the greatest facade of my life. I felt worthless and hopeless. When he cheated on me, I knew it was my fault for not being enough. I knew this when he scraped half my dinner off my plate because my size 0/2 body wasn’t small enough. I knew this when he reminded me I wasn’t marriage material or mother material, and that he was the best I could get. I walked away from that relationship more broken then I could’ve ever imagined another person could do to another.

Apparently, I was worthy of marriage and motherhood, to a family that deserved the goodness of me. I felt my safest at a size 22. Certainly, I didn’t feel my best or the healthiest, but safest yes! People listened to what I had to say, and cared about my heart. They also said hurtful things like “You have such a pretty face”, and “Didn’t you have a baby a year ago?”. I felt terrible about my outside self, but being less desirable would mean I didn’t have to worry.

A decade later, I lost a ton of weight, and I received so much love and support. Who doesn’t want to be called beautiful? One should have felt fulfilled and whole. I felt a familiar crutch on feeling like my looks was my “in” with the world. I also started to feel increasingly unsafe.

Recently, I had found comfort in my current size of a 12/14 to be a winning combo. I feel authentically pretty, while protected. I don’t get as many colorful comments, and many actually take the time to get to know my heart. My doctor still reminds me I am overweight for my age, my eating habits haven’t been the greatest lately, and I need to work out more, but I feel FINALLY like I own me.

I have the right to say no.

I am enough.

I have the right to own who I am: mind, BODY, and soul.

And my pretty face has always been the least interesting thing about me. Those that love me the most know this.

It took me 41 years to realize the males that took away my innocence, or my right to love me first, no longer have the power. I don’t owe the world their happiness before mine. I owe me my purest truth.

The truth is I am beautiful not for what i am, but who I am.

The truth is I am finally me. I am safe. I have a voice. I own ME. And most importantly I have the power to help raise a generation of girls that do too (including my own amazing daughter).

I might have a pretty face. I also may never look amazing in a bikini again. However, I can promise you, my soul is one of the rarest you will ever see. And to me-is the gold.

I am no longer the words that were spoon fed to me both verbal and non- verbal. Sometimes the most seemingly together person, is the most broken. You never know a persons story until you take the time to ask.

A pretty face doesn’t tell a heart.

A soul does.

A size 2 or 22 – my soul is fn beautiful.

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