Seeking Up

18 years ago today, I was 24.

A blissful age of innocence, and hope. My entire life was sitting in front of me. By then I had acquired a masters degree in social work, and had worked in some hard settings. Yet, I had no idea the pit of dripping black tar hate, that could live in people’s hearts. I assumed all had a will to love each other.

It was cute of me to assume this. It was also beautiful, and protected.

It was my first day at a new job in Boston. A day after I had moved all weekend from New York City – and sent my then boyfriend off, to his new job down at the World Trade Center.

This day 18 years ago, stole all the beauty I thought the world possessed in their hearts. It made me stop and realize- oh- not everyone’s intentions are of light.

I could not wrap my head around the place I called home for years being a place of warfare. I had no idea terrorism could even happen on American soil. I was so naive with my stomach of privilege turned to worlds truths all in one day.

My then boyfriend survived. So did a few of my friends. However, so many- and I mean miles and miles of “have you seen” missing posters- many – never were seen again.

I had a heart staking truth this morning. Usually, on this day I pause and pray. I’m usually working and don’t have the time to sit and reflect on it. Today I wasn’t working, and today I let myself steep like a tea bag in hot water, the truth. I let it infiltrate my  being, and think of what it has taught me.

At 24, I thought I was the most adult an adult could be. Yet now looking back when 42, I realize it was really my second adolescence.

In 18 years I have: moved countless places, traveled, got married, had kids, survived a miscarriage, survived a very sick baby, was a stay at home mom, loved deeply, gained a better relationship with Jesus, met beautiful souls, became a teacher and got a second masters degree, got what I said was my dream job in my twenties as a school social worker, made difference in others lives, learned my own giftings, learn to be brave, survived a very sick child with PANS, lived through Lyme as a family, went through grief, wrote amazing words, and … found my truest self now at 42.

All of those lives lost never had the chance. They didn’t get to look upon almost two decades to count their blessings and changes.

My 24 year old self- although I love her- is unrecognizable when it comes to the growth and being of who I truly am.

So as I was driving to my new office in Newtown, CT past the half mast famous flag-I sobbed. I prayed. I said thank you to God. For here I was driving in another home of mine that delivered the second date in our countries history that stole another layer of innocence. How on earth would anyone, EVER- want to hurt first graders? My heart doesn’t understand that darkness. So what can one do? Deliver it to Jesus.

I don’t know why I was able to live almost two more decades more then those beautiful lives lost on 9/11. I don’t know why we happen to not chose the sandy hook home that would have delivered our  oldest to be in first grade that year. What I DO know is I serve a GREAT GOD that does! He covers us all.

Its important to slow down, reflect, and in the pain, bring it back to HIM.

I’m grateful for the lessons even the painful ones. They help me remember how far life have come in 18 years and how my heart still feels for that day all in one.

May I always love humans naive as the day before 9/11. Because light ALWAYS wins in the end.