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Archive for May, 2020

The End.

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I used to take it all so personal.

All of it as a personal attack on who I am and what I have seemingly done wrong. I need “closure” I would say. I need to know why someone had chosen to leave me because I needed to fix it. It always had to be me.

Then one of the most beautiful humans in my life that loves me tremendously told me something that began to change my life: “Its not always about you”.
She had exited my life for years and I mourned her. I thought she had left because I did wrong. I thought I was no long capable to be loved by her. When actually she always loved me, she just had a personal time in her life that she needed to focus on something else that had nothing to do with me. Yet for that decade of loss I swallowed it whole as my cross to bare.

Our brains, especially in little girls who always thought their soul existence was to please those they love, like to revert to worst case scenario dialonge. My chosen narrative is always “Aimee you did this and you are wrong”. Regardless of how someone has treated me, or the environment I was put it, it was always me. I always, very willingly, swallowEd the jagged pill of “up you did it again”. When the truth actually is, 90% it has nothing to do with me.

I am a lover of knowing the entire narrative truth to human connection especially when it is with me. I am a therapist after all. One of my favorite past times is studying human behavior and understanding why people do the things they do. We all cross paths with people that have wronged us. For me its the people that have known me well enough to know a silent exit isn’t exactly a form of a love letter to me. If you think this blog post is about you, it probably is! However, my recent revelation is, its also not their job to deliver what I think is closure on a silver platter! Actually, often in these cases, there is no need for it, except for my bruised ego feeling like “why would anyone leave me”. You know why? Everyone gets left and for some very good reasons. Some of which has nothing to do with me!

I am in the unique phase of life of feeling like I am now the shedder. I can not hold on to everyone and everything in order to become what is waiting for me. This is a hard acknowledgement, as I am used to trying to white knuckle hold on to absolutely everything, even the things that no longer serve me. I used to call this loyalty. Now I realize it is self loathing and self abandonment. In order to grow, one must let go.

I owe zero people an explanation of why. I owe zero people my life to be held stagnant in order for theirs to feel good. I owe zero people Aimee.

I owe Aimee growth and development in the most light filled moving forward thinking  way. To do this, I must be brave and willing.

So my mindset of endings has changed. I am ending my timeline of life here in this town in Connecticut for a variety of reasons. One happens to be my family and their urge for changes. Another is I just don’t feel like I fit here anymore. I am ending my timeline of life in a home I birthed babies in and build love upon. Leaving it beaming with all I gave for the next family to own and digest. There is another home, in a different state, calling to be filled with new developments of our lives and new love. I am ending my timeline of  life with several human connections that once meant a great amount to me here. However, leaving, I know our time here is done. For me, this is a huge revelation, knowing it doesn’t need to be discussed. It doesn’t need to be analyzed by my therapist eye. It just needs to be honored and left with peace.

My thought of closure has changed. I no longer need it to survive. I no longer use it as a mirror of my reflection and or a tattoo of how I fell short in loving someone. I no longer look at it as a wronged I need to make right. Lets me honest, plenty of toxic people have regained access by utilizing said closure doors. What I need is to leave a space or a human with peace. The saying “when one door closes another opens” applies to humans too. Opportunity to grow and learn is only limited by what you are holding onto that you are no longer supposed to have.

I will miss many parts of what this state, town, home, and people have held for me. I will also open wildly to what my next state, town, home, and people, have in store for me.

The ultimate lesson in life is when you know when to go and give yourself permission to do so.

Thank you pandemic for teaching me this. Without it, I would have orchestrated many “closures” that didn’t need to be dissected. Instead, I leave with peace.

I no longer take it personal. I take it as a badge of bravery.

Sometimes we are much braver then we think. Sometimes we limit ourselves to what we are comfortable in. Will you lay on the surfboard forever? Or will your dare to rise and stand?

You only answer to your own self proclaimed “I can’t do’s”. Do the hard things that make you tremble in fear, in order to birth what is beautiful in faith and love.

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