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Archive for October, 2021

It’s another day. I am sick again. I lay awake staring at the ceiling wondering how I will rise above what my body is experiencing.

Every joint in my body aches from the tips of my fingers to the tips of my toes. My fingers and toes sometimes result in tingling and numbness. I feel like I have a fever without actually having a fever. My vision is blurry and shaky, with a constant pain behind my eyes. My neck feels like it has a rock being carried under my skin full of pressure and ache. My spine feels like it is being pressed down leaving me with constant lower back and sciatic pain. I am nausous and exhausted. My entire body is inflamed, swollen, and I am unable to lose any weight. I haven’t smelled out of my nose completely since moving to Florida in early 2020. I have constant sinus pain and headaches. Sometimes I am so dizzy, disoriented, and brain fogged, I feel like I may pass out. I’ve become forgetful when I am famously known by all that know and love me to have one of the sharpest memories ever made.

It’s been like this for so long, I can’t remember what it is like to feel “normal”. I have lost my ability to work and be present in a lot of my daily life. I am literally living in a vortex of surivial every single day. For months I have dealt with doctors either brushing me off saying things like, “Oh chronic fatigue is what you have, and it’s called motherhood”, or clinically diagnosing me with a range of difficult diagnoses that aren’t so clear cut, like Lupus. What I refuse to give my sickness is my willingness to concede in counting my blessings and knowing the Lord will lead me through this. I have prayed daily for answers. A cry out of need, “Please Lord clarify what this is so I can get help and LIVE again”. Like the faithful Father He is, He answered. Sure it isn’t the path I would’ve liked. However, He answered, and I will not waver in my faith knowing I am drenched in His love.

I sat in a neuro ophthalmologists office, not even a week after going for a routine eye check up. During that routine check up last week, my new eye doctor noticed my optic nerve was severely inflamed. She showed me a picture of a “normal”optic nerve verses mine, and I welled up in tears. This picture defined exactly what I have felt like for months. It was a work of expressive art, while also screaming “HELP ME”! She referred me to this specialist, who also did a battery of testing. While I waited for him to enter his office, I prayed asking the Lord, ” Please God let this be the person with clear answers for me. I can not continue to live like this. I need you to work through him. Please give him the answers God”. The doctor enters and very matter of factly says, ” I believe you have Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension in your brain and we need to do an MRI, MRV, and a lumbar puncture to fully diagnosis you accurately”. I walked out of that office full of unknowns, while knowing the Lord delivered what I prayed for, I was finally getting answers.

,I was laying in an MRI machine with my face caged in like a Hannibal Lecter scene, with loud 1970’s music blasting in my ears. A folk song came on talking about utopia and resurrection and I realize the Lord is with me even in the most uncomfortable moments. In fact, it is so easy to spot Him in the goodness in life, and not in the ones we struggle with. I take the time, with tears rolling down my cheeks, thanking Him for bringing me here for answers even though I am counting the seconds to get out of here. I ask Him,”Please lord let this test show them exactly what they need”. I go on to pray for others that are also in uncomfortable positions right now. I thank Him for providing them answers and next steps too.

Days later, the doctor calls to tell me, I am not doing a lumbar puncture, its to dangerous, because I also have something called Chiari Malformation, which means my brain is hanging low out of my skull. He refers me to a neuro surgeon. The neuro surgeon confirms both the pseudo tumor (Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension) and Chiari malformation. After examining me, he decides the best course of action is brain surgery. He warns me this may not be the entire cause of all my symptoms, but believes many of them will be relieved with these procedures. He tells me nothing will help with the pressure in my head or the pain except for possibly medical marijuana. He wants to do the procedure most likely next month, because the pressure is actively stealing my eye sight. If I continue without surgery, I could start passing out and have seizures, and even possibly go blind for life.

In two weeks time, I went from a routine eye check up to needing brain surgery, after months and months of suffering. Not the answer to my prayers I had hoped for, but certainly a clear answer. As I prepare for this mountain to climb, I praise Him for clarity and loving me enough to align all the right people in my path. I know the road ahead will not be easy for me or those I love, but it is necessary in order for me to live the way He has called me for.

Sometimes in life the answers to our prayers are hard to digest but are still prayers answered. I can not even begin to imagine walking this path ahead without faith. As, the only way for me to survive daily is to surrender it ALL to Him. I refuse to let the fear own me, when whatever the outcome is happens to be dripping in Jesus’ love and desires for me. This my friends, is the ultimate test of faith. If He knows all the details of me, including how many hairs are on my head, He will not leave a stone unturned in this process.

For now, I am pausing in helping to heal others through my hands, for I arrived in a season of rest. For this healer, needs the ultimate healer to heal her. I have no doubt He will deliver.

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