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I have had so much to say in my silence.

Silenced by other peoples opinions on how I should think or feel. I have sat with it, wondering, when in my life I ever let that stop me from speaking. I came to the conclusion it is when people I love are now sitting on the opposite side of me. Perhaps I will lose some, while I peel back the mandated mask of facade they call love, I call conditions. This is a risk I must take not only in tip toeing around peoples delicate feelings, but also to reveal and cherish those who truly love me without conditions.

Recently I was watching an Instagram video on a wildly popular author that I used to idolize. A year ago I would not ever think my feelings or portrayal of her would ever change. In fact, I went on a limb calling her retreat as being the single most life changing event in self discovery, I had ever experienced. When actually, the discovery was, it wasn’t a discovery after all. It was a desperation of belonging and willingness to believe her words had more power than mine. It was an agenda with a fluffed up version of Christianity that was to fit the needs of idolizing thy self. Honestly, I kept feeling this truth often, and pushing it aside. I identified her story as my story. Until, one day it so wasn’t, and was so telling. This idolization of self was dangerous and dark. For months, I felt a guided push away from her. I would read things she posted and my spirit would rebuke what she said. Then, this day happened. I was watching her Instagram video being streamed from that same state I live in. She was literally whining and complaining how she didn’t feel “loved” in her community because they were voting a different way from her. She discussed how in the same community people want pictures with her, read her books, and like her. However, this poor girl, a white millionaire woman, with multiple New York Times Best Sellers, didn’t feel loved. She didn’t feel loved over other peoples right to vote. How does that the only qualifier of love?

For me, this was a breaking point. It wasn’t because of her political choice I was willing to no longer buy into her self-help Christianity. It was because this woman who I used to think was the epitome of inclusive, togetherness, was actually part of the divide. Did she know why all of those people in her community were voting the way they did? Why is the right vote ONLY about what she considers to be most important?

This struck a chord in me because weeks prior I felt completely betrayed and let down, by many I love or had at least liked, on social media. I had posted a reference in being kind to even those who vote a different way than you. I received a backlash of bitter disgust, that as someone as sensitive as I am, had a hard time digesting for weeks. I gently explained I didn’t know who I was voting for at the time because I had varied amount of policies to consider. I was told I was a homophobe and racist nearly because I considered not voting their way. After serving as a huge advocate for decades in social justice, choosing to work only in communities that were in need of such advocacy, and personally identifying as love, I was shocked to see such venom. Especially knowing many hadn’t ever spent a day in these communities helping others find housing, or employment, or food. Social justice suddenly became a movement that was no longer focused on togetherness, but on “who’s side are you on”.

I considered sending that author who had the privilege to stream from her million dollar home on the water, with her healthy kids, about how unloved she felt, a letter about perhaps she didn’t know the whole story for ALL the people. How my husband and I barely kept my son alive for years! How the CDC regulations on Lyme disease worked against us and nearly killed him. How we spent thousands of dollars out of pocket, on a prayer and hope. How when I left Connecticut a few months ago, the Democratic Party, I once felt completely aligned with, wanted to take my rights away from saying no to vaccines that could cause my son his verbal and/or physical ability or possibly death. I want to say, I voted for my son because I need to keep him alive. Mandated vaccines are dangerous for kids like him who aren’t “sick enough” for a medical exempts. Frankly, I wanted to say, how is it I can get an abortion in this country, but not have a say in my childs health. What happened to “My body my choice”? Suddenly that only applies to one sex and one part of our body? I wanted to say, I will continue to send you love and grace because that’s what we are meant for. I wanted to say thank you God we live in a country with the freedom of choice and the right to vote. I wanted to remind her that Jesus loves her, she doesn’t need to be filled by humans love. I wanted to tell her, the things she preaches against, was exactly how she made me feel. Alone. Not included. Not accepted. She did this by saying “if you love me you will vote the same way as me”, while negating everyone elses story. Including my own, that I felt torn between voting for my son, and being a “good person” she had taught me to be.

Not so ironically, it was the people I met at her weekend training that decided to unfriend me and write posts about how I should “f*ck off” or degrade me about my sexuality, Christianity, and my race. That I was no longer loved or a part of them for saying I didn’t know who I may vote for. This my friends, is what happens when we buy into a collective endorsement of divide. We lose the understanding and the depths of peoples hearts. We stop asking why, and we decide our agenda is the most important. We place people into “the right ones who care for people” and the one “wrong ones who don’t care for people”. Without asking the person who they care for and why?

Love should not come with conditions over a political stance, just as we should not over a religion, or a race, or a sexual identity, or parental views, or career choices, or what we do or don’t do to our own bodies. Love is saying “I see you and hold you” no matter what.

An easy answer for some may be I have changed. However, to live and experience life, it to not stay stagnant. What should remain the same if the love is true, is love.

True love stays. Facade conditional love can be left to the box on the left.

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Choosing Joy In 2020

Man people get pissed off when you choose joy in 2020. I know I was one of them. The term misery loves company became a country for a while. I have vowed to the Lord, I would intercede on this and pray for this to break. We don’t need misery, we need JOY.

It was hard to tell but I was barely holding on. Not only because of my own fear and isolation, but everyone elses. It happens when you are a feeler of all things. The north had gifted so many wonderful things to me, a quarantine wasn’t one of them. People felt so heavy filling themselves with so much fear and rage. I became that and was sinking. Down, down, down, I retreated into the dark places of me. I retreated to the places I saw in others. The places where we could no longer dare to look eye to eye in the grocery store, because perhaps showing joy meant I was also not afraid. Perhaps I could contract this virus by even acknowledging life outside of me.

Moving south saved me for many reasons. One being I never knew how much my being needed light. For the entire month of March 2020 shut in up north, it was cold, rainy, dark, with no light. Another, being my need to soak my crying aching bones in water for long periods of time, and plant my feet in sand to remind myself who I belong too. Certainly I do not belong to people, but to the almighty one. A reminder I continue to need over and over again during this very trying, very divided, time in history.

Even though the media portrayed my new home as being careless and contaminated, it was the safest place I had felt to date. People looked into each other eyes with joy and said good morning. There are masks and distancing, but there isn’t deep rooted fear and rage or judgement of others not willing to live like that. There was just peace. The energy of the space helped me to breathe, and I no longer felt like I hanging on day by day. I was no longer afraid to live.

My perspective from North to South changed in an instant. I can never have this day back, and if I am gifted tomorrow, I should be treating it as such: A GIFT. Do I want to live it inside four walls miserable, anxious, pissed off at others living their lives, afraid, and seeping-dripping in only social media energy and “facts”? For a time I had to. It was essential for all of us. But then, it wasn’t, and while most of the country stood still worried to exit, my bold new state opened with caution.

I found this to be a continued reflection of my spirit. I have always been a go against the grain girl. I love that I live in a state that boldly says we will choose light over darkness. Admittedly, when we were on strict lock down in Connecticut, I had to leave and get coffee daily. Yes I love caffeine, but more so for my mental health because I was legit falling away. Many who knew scolded me. They said I was doing it wrong. But what they couldn’t see was it was that, or lose me completely.

That doesn’t mean I wasn’t out of my mind crazy scared sending my three kids back to school full time. I was. We all were. I didn’t know one single parent that didn’t think the virus was not something to worry about. However, we all collectively choose to arm our kids with masks and sanitizers, and go live life. This in no ways means I didn’t understand or have compassion for families that choose differently than me. Frankly, my kids had lost a great amount of who they are by being shut in for to many months. More than academics, I wanted them to live the life God intended for them. For me, this meant to seek connection with real people, not water downed superficial connection on the internet and to experience different environments that breathed light into their lives. Its been over a month, and I am so happy to report our very large school district has had very few cases. I pray it continues as such, as our kids are thriving with old routines of in person school, with new routines of caution (masks and distance).

I certainly feel like as a family we have been blessed to be thriving in joy while our country is not. This goes well beyond a pandemic, it goes in to a spiritual war of who holds your heart? Light or dark? It isn’t 2020 that has served you bad food for thought, it is the enemy. The one that wants you to be full of rage on the internet everyday. The one that wants you to cut all your family and friends out. The one who wants you to judge someone like me that refuses to not choose JOY. The one who wants you to despise the person that doesn’t vote or think like you. The one that helps you make assumptions/ labels/judgements against whole groups of people that may or may not think like you, while you may continually think you are posting about peace, love, and inclusion (inclusion includes everyone- not just the certain groups you stand with). The one who loves isolation and the use of technology over all else. The one who saw my post on Facebook asking for people to post blessings of 2020 to change the vibe and knew nobody would bite. The one who wants you to detach from actual real connection, and seek false ones. The one who had me for awhile, convincing me God had left us. The one who fought me when I tried to get out of bed everyday. The one who kept trying to convince me I should do what the masses do. We aren’t divided by politics, they are forever changing and will forever change, it is a facade of you against them. We are divided by who and what we let into our hearts on a universal cosmic level. It is spirit to spirit not man to man.

The promise of God includes He will never change, and will always rule. This is how I am able to choose Joy no matter the president of this country I love. I don’t fit in either side, nor do I want to. Because the only side I will forever belong to is Jesus. I will cling to the heaven I have been too. I pray for it to come down and take hold of all the hearts suffering from the persuasion of the enemy. I pray for unity. I pray for all to seek each others spirit in remembering humans aren’t the enemy- the enemy IS the enemy. Be vigilant in not letting him in no matter what he promises.

God is good ALL the time. Even in 2020. You may not see it. You may not feel it. You may be wondering where is this God I have believed in gone? He is right beside you, wanting and waiting for you to give up the heaviness in your heart to Him and choose Joy. I eat Joy for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I also count ALL my blessing of 2020. CHOOSE to count the blessings not the hardships.

I will love you. Every single one of you. Every day. Not just today or November 3, every day. No matter what you may want to say about me. No matter if you deem me worthy in keeping me in your life. Because we belong to each other. And more importantly all of us belong to Him.

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The Middle

FD30A064-517F-400A-9782-FD991C0B5EC1Is it me, or is anyone else feeling as if they are the children involved in the nasty divorce called “2020”? “Pick a side”, they scream! “Don’t you care about _______ (insert heartbreaking subject being used by either side to gain ones guilt or compassion to sway)?” “Why aren’t you afraid? or full of rage?””You don’t love this country enough!” “You are part of the problem if …..(fill in the blank with polarized judgment)”. “I can’t love you if you don’t think like I do.”

Everything is up for grabs: Integrity. Hearts. Compassion. Desires. Wealth. Health. Sanity. Maturity. Spiritual Beliefs. Knowledge. One side gnawing at my leg telling me how to walk, while the other gnawing at my brain telling me how to think. All forgetting what is the biggest need to focus on these days: HUMANITY.

The list of people will come out to testify on why their side IS for humanity. While the ones in the middle watch in horror, as testimonies made in the name of humanity, actually cultivate more division. These dark days there is little compassion for others and their individual pursuits uphill, and major motivation for large common topics that are saturated in human need to be right with their agenda while holding a facade of caring for the greater good.

I don’t want full custody to go to either one side. I don’t want to be owned to rage, divide, fear, and painstakingly, exhausting, self-absorption. I want to only be owned in unity of God’s love.

Perhaps being quarantined has impacted peoples ability to care about everyone as a whole. `Instead, it has glorified self-sufficient tendencies and a lie that one can live without human to human connection and replace it with technology. Perhaps the amount of time one has on their hands to divide and conquer, became more pressing than checking in with someone, regardless of political views, and saying “I am here”.

Looming over us is judgement day this coming November, like a dark cloud following us that we can’t shake. One side will lose, causing more inflamed rage than they have ever felt before! The winner will announce victory, in less than a humble way. When at heart, there will be no winner, because we will all lose what we once had before a pandemic hit: love for humanity without a political agenda string attached. Both sides have set the dominos off, they are falling, falling, falling.

We, the middle, labeled complacent in our morale and values by both sides seeking custody. Our numbers will dwindle here because we will be bullied into believing if we do not choose we are less than them. We will be casualties of a world owned my rage and divide instead of our dream of a nation as one.

Whatever side wins in this polarizing divorce of our country, my only idol, who I follow, is Jesus. No man, no political party, will ever own my being. I vote for love ALL.

 

 

 

 

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bridge

“You are the absolute oldest soul I have ever known”, she said looking over at me while eating lettuce wraps at the Cheese Cake Factory. This wasn’t a normal Friday night that two high school girls, that have known each other since first grade, would have. She and I sat there discussing the meaning of life, faith, and what our purpose was. When she spoke those words to me, it was as if I was wholly seen for the first time, on how ancient my soul was. My body might have been seventeen, but my soul was older than most that were alive in the world.

Years later my friend from college looked at me and said,”You are beyond deep. You are like an abyss. In fact that is what I am going to call you”. She knew that for me to survive in this world I could not and would not function on surface material. I can be fun, carefree, wild even, but I always return to the best part of me that is always seeking the most knowing and truth out of any and all situations. I am constantly reflecting on: does this serve my greatest purpose? All people, places, and things, are often put on display for a magnifying, detail oriented, discovery of: Is this still valid for me and who I intend to become?

I am human sadly, more than I am my soul. Meaning, the human in me often holds onto things I KNOW are no longer for me out of the heart. My soul on the other hand, is always waiting for what the universe has in store for me next,  like a child awaiting to open gifts on Christmas. I like to look at life as being equivalent to a giant puzzle we are seeking to master. We continue to seek, piece by piece, working toward the bigger picture. Often we are stuck on a particular piece. There are times certain things take up entire corners of the picture then suddenly disappear in the next. The human wants to see the big picture now before doing the work, and try to control the outcome. The soul knows the real work is the element of surprise and the unknowing with zero control. I often sit in the middle. I pray. I manifest. While I also lead with where and what God leads me too. Almost a sky dive into blind faith knowing ALWAYS the He has me.

I haven’t written here in a while because God put me on pause. He was calling to move me to this amazing, tropical, dream come true, place. He wanted me to settle in while also seeking Him in new people, places, and things, in this new space. He has lined things  up for us almost effortlessly, in order for our human eyes to recognize this is way beyond our control.

While in this process, he has blessed me with moments that have set me free. One was a call from an administrator from my old school system. She originally was calling me regarding my new but now closed business, and hadn’t heard that I moved. When I told her, it opened up  conversation on a variety of things such as why I left the school system, why I moved to Florida, and most importantly, being obedient to God. I was able to tell her things I observed in her as a God intended leader, and she was able to tell me why I left an impression. She also gave to me what I was seeking most from the ending of that job that I put the most of who I am into: permission to leave and closure. It reminded me that a huge part of my puzzle was this school system, but in this part of my glorious life picture, it was no longer needed to identify me. In fact, she reminded me, the only thing I need to be identified by was HIM.

I noticed the other day, when I was getting to know a new neighbor, that I often don’t know how to “sum up” who or what I am. Most humans get accolades for staying in the same job for decades, when in spirit, this makes my heart so sad. When I was leaving my last job I was telling a friend that I never stay that long (I had been there for 7 years). The friend said perhaps that isn’t something to be too proud or boastful about. To me its an accolade of the soul that doesn’t EVER settle. It is the “abyss” working at its best, magnifying details over asking my soul: “Is this still relevant? Is this still for me?” Kudos to the people who have lived lives doing the same thing for sixty years that takes tremendous motivation and determination. For me, I literally can not remain stagnant in something ever. For me, it is one of my very favorite qualities in who I am because it makes me a bit of a chameleon. Not a chameleon to blend in, but one to rediscover and change who I am. Those who know me best know I will never ever blend in. NOT EVER.

So what do I tell the new neighbor about what I do for living or who I am? Do I talk about the years I worked with teen gang members in drug rehab in Brooklyn, or homeless teens on the streets of Boston? Do I talk about going back for another masters degree to become a teacher, and teaching third grade in the Bronx? Do I talk about being a stay at home mom for seven years, or being a Mommy blogger when that was hot? Do I say I used to sell fair trade jewelry or that I sell skincare? Do I talk about being a school social worker for years, working harder than I have ever did anywhere, and walking away with severe post traumatic stress system? Or perhaps, do I share the day the Lord told me to open a healing business in Newtown, CT, and I did? Do I discuss my born giftings that were enhanced and found after learning reiki and Havening both in the name of Christ?

When thinking about this list, I realized my old soul that my high school friend acknowledged that day, was also old in this life too. I may be 43, but I have lived in one persons life, many lives. If you ask me what I love about myself the most it is how I love and how brave I am in becoming. I am always becoming.

Transformation is what brings the next piece of the puzzle. It is what makes a simple toddler puzzle become a limitless jigsaw one. In fact, at this point in the game, I believe I am a 4D jigsaw puzzle that may end up looking like Legoland by the time I am done recreating.

Why do I share this story with you? The deepest part of me wants you to know, you should not be able to sum up who you are in a sentence or two. It should take people months, if not years, to sum up your journey. There is great freedom on the other side of fear of “I am afraid to try”. When I died and came back after Jesus asked me “What have you done for your fellow man?”- I included myself. I serve others AND MYSELF, but most of all I SERVE HIM. I will never go back home with an unfinished story to my puzzle. Next time Jesus will look at it, smile, and beam with parental joy, and say “Well done”. It is my ultimate goal and joy to spread and share this purpose.

Let your life puzzle pieces be limitless. Let your soul live many lives in one life. Do not get distracted by the likes in the world that want to keep you afraid and stagnant. The world needs the next you. The next you can be the piece to my puzzle that my soul is waiting upon. This is how humanity works my friends. It’s not gender, cultural, language specific, but hundred precent soul depending on soul, to gather up the ultimate big picture of things.

What is your next puzzle piece?

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The End.

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I used to take it all so personal.

All of it as a personal attack on who I am and what I have seemingly done wrong. I need “closure” I would say. I need to know why someone had chosen to leave me because I needed to fix it. It always had to be me.

Then one of the most beautiful humans in my life that loves me tremendously told me something that began to change my life: “Its not always about you”.
She had exited my life for years and I mourned her. I thought she had left because I did wrong. I thought I was no long capable to be loved by her. When actually she always loved me, she just had a personal time in her life that she needed to focus on something else that had nothing to do with me. Yet for that decade of loss I swallowed it whole as my cross to bare.

Our brains, especially in little girls who always thought their soul existence was to please those they love, like to revert to worst case scenario dialonge. My chosen narrative is always “Aimee you did this and you are wrong”. Regardless of how someone has treated me, or the environment I was put it, it was always me. I always, very willingly, swallowEd the jagged pill of “up you did it again”. When the truth actually is, 90% it has nothing to do with me.

I am a lover of knowing the entire narrative truth to human connection especially when it is with me. I am a therapist after all. One of my favorite past times is studying human behavior and understanding why people do the things they do. We all cross paths with people that have wronged us. For me its the people that have known me well enough to know a silent exit isn’t exactly a form of a love letter to me. If you think this blog post is about you, it probably is! However, my recent revelation is, its also not their job to deliver what I think is closure on a silver platter! Actually, often in these cases, there is no need for it, except for my bruised ego feeling like “why would anyone leave me”. You know why? Everyone gets left and for some very good reasons. Some of which has nothing to do with me!

I am in the unique phase of life of feeling like I am now the shedder. I can not hold on to everyone and everything in order to become what is waiting for me. This is a hard acknowledgement, as I am used to trying to white knuckle hold on to absolutely everything, even the things that no longer serve me. I used to call this loyalty. Now I realize it is self loathing and self abandonment. In order to grow, one must let go.

I owe zero people an explanation of why. I owe zero people my life to be held stagnant in order for theirs to feel good. I owe zero people Aimee.

I owe Aimee growth and development in the most light filled moving forward thinking  way. To do this, I must be brave and willing.

So my mindset of endings has changed. I am ending my timeline of life here in this town in Connecticut for a variety of reasons. One happens to be my family and their urge for changes. Another is I just don’t feel like I fit here anymore. I am ending my timeline of life in a home I birthed babies in and build love upon. Leaving it beaming with all I gave for the next family to own and digest. There is another home, in a different state, calling to be filled with new developments of our lives and new love. I am ending my timeline of  life with several human connections that once meant a great amount to me here. However, leaving, I know our time here is done. For me, this is a huge revelation, knowing it doesn’t need to be discussed. It doesn’t need to be analyzed by my therapist eye. It just needs to be honored and left with peace.

My thought of closure has changed. I no longer need it to survive. I no longer use it as a mirror of my reflection and or a tattoo of how I fell short in loving someone. I no longer look at it as a wronged I need to make right. Lets me honest, plenty of toxic people have regained access by utilizing said closure doors. What I need is to leave a space or a human with peace. The saying “when one door closes another opens” applies to humans too. Opportunity to grow and learn is only limited by what you are holding onto that you are no longer supposed to have.

I will miss many parts of what this state, town, home, and people have held for me. I will also open wildly to what my next state, town, home, and people, have in store for me.

The ultimate lesson in life is when you know when to go and give yourself permission to do so.

Thank you pandemic for teaching me this. Without it, I would have orchestrated many “closures” that didn’t need to be dissected. Instead, I leave with peace.

I no longer take it personal. I take it as a badge of bravery.

Sometimes we are much braver then we think. Sometimes we limit ourselves to what we are comfortable in. Will you lay on the surfboard forever? Or will your dare to rise and stand?

You only answer to your own self proclaimed “I can’t do’s”. Do the hard things that make you tremble in fear, in order to birth what is beautiful in faith and love.

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Early in February, I was convinced I had the flu. I woke up one day with a sore throat and a low grade fever. It grew into exhaustion, a dry cough, ear pain, extreme body aches, and losing my breath just from walking from one room to the next. I literally said out loud to my husband that I felt like I was dying.

I first went to my doctors office. They asked me to wear a mask. It wasn’t my regular physician. He spent about five minutes with me, tested me for the flu and for strep (which came back negative), and said “seems like you have some weird bronchitis type of thing”. He prescribed me antibiotics.

Two days went by and I felt even worse. I went to the CVS minute clinic. They retested me for the flu and strep. We both were convinced one of these would come back positive. I could barely keep my head up or breathe walking from one area to the other. Both tests came back negative. She looked in my ear and said I had an infection. She said, “although you have an ear infection, this isn’t the whole story. There is something else going on here that I can’t seem to diagnosis”. She gave me a new antibiotic and told me if symptoms became worse, to call the doctor or go to my nearest emergency room.

A few days later I felt back to myself somewhat. It was a good ten days I had a mild fever and symptoms that seem to gain momentum, back off, and then come back harder. It took another two weeks after that, to regain a normal breathing pattern.

This was literally weeks before Covid-19 Pandemic broke out. I am convinced I had the virus. I am convinced there was many more like me. How many of us were diagnosed with some “weird bronchitis type of thing” or told “there is something else going on”?How many others could I have infected? In the weeks between my sickness and the lockdown, I had been a lot places including two air planes and another state!

For me, yes I got “healthy” again in ten days time, but I also felt like I was drowning and aching for that entire span. I had never in my life felt something quite like it. So for the people in the back saying it is just a mild cold, the government is over reacting, it doesn’t affect my age group: I fought to breathe, open my eyes, and move my aching body, everyday of that ten day span. I am grateful to be alive.

Little did I know weeks later, these were the main symptoms the world would be concerned over. Little did I know wearing a mask would be key to entering the public. Little did I know we would be asked for months to stay in our homes. Little did I know this “weird bronchitis type virus” would not only kill the old or immune compromised, but many of all ages.

Little did I know, our lives would significantly change not only as a person, or a family, but a nation.

 

 

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Two months earlier then expected, I walked into the space that has gifted me life in a way that nothing ever has, and said goodbye.

My first thought, as I opened the door, was I will miss the smell of the old wood in the vestibule. I will miss how the floor creeks to the sound of a human step. I will miss a space that has worshiped the Lord since 1847. I will miss learning the gifts God made in me, in a house of worship.

I had planned on dozens of “final” healings with loyal clients. I had planned on taking time to process the ending of something that served me so well. Instead, being so close to the heart of the pandemic, I was forced to let go of all of that.

I tried to talk myself out of having the right to FEEL my feelings. How selfish is it for me to be sad about not getting the ending in Connecticut that I deserve, when people are dying every single day from this brutal virus.

Then I decided to gift myself the grace I often tell my clients to gift themselves. I decided I am only human. That I have a right to my grief. I can simultaneously grieve for the world in this time, while also honoring and feeling my own pain.

To walk out the door of a place I am 100% sure Jesus handpicked for me, I know in my heart He has another. For now Seeking Up services has a closed for good sign. However, I believe in a God that didn’t bring me here for a warm up, not to allow me to play the game.

Where ever I land, may it always and only be with Jesus and His intentions. I may cry sad tears today, but I have faith their is a tomorrow when there will be happy ones.

To all my Connecticut clients and loved ones: Thank you for seeing and honoring the Jesus in me. I love you.

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“You are living the life we all wish we could live”.

Someone said this to me with joy and envy in their eyes, uttering the words with great intentions for my being. It made me think how could this be? I am no better off then the person saying this to me, or anyone else. How was I living the life someone felt they could not?

Then I realized, two things are apparent in this movement in life: Jesus and Choice.

You see, leaving my job and starting my own business using my born anointed giftings, may seem easy and dreamy. The part the average person doesn’t see is the struggle to get me there. I was telling a client as she was laying on the table this past weekend, how I secretly hoped she would cancel. You see when you do things that rely on Jesus, they do not come at ease to get there because it requires COMPLETE surrender. I no longer show up to work with a skill set I got a degree in. I show up to work, and I rely SOULY on how Jesus will use me. This keeps be completely humble, but also raw to the bones vulnerable. Every spirit that trusts me on my table is different, which means no two are alike. This “gifting” means I will never “ACE” being a healer, because Jesus is the ultimate healer and its not my skillset I call upon, it is HIS. The enemy wants nothing more than to keep me away from doing that. That means, often life hurdles happen to try to avoid me from getting to the place I am holding someones ankles in prayer. It means lots of judgmental fellow Christians trying to tell me what I am doing isn’t of God, while also listening about supernatural healings from scripture. It means I am constantly incapable, not confident, and unsure of my work, because it isn’t mine to own. Every single step has been in complete and utter obidience in what He alone has called me to do.

This friends it what we all seem to ask while praying or worshiping in praise, but are you fulfilling what that looks like? Have you given complete surrender to a situation in which you know He is calling to fill, but you struggle to own it? Are you, when asking the Lord to move you into a place that is in complete reliance upon Him, ready to be spiritually naked and raw in vulnerability for the entire world to see on display? If not, you haven’t fully given into what He is seeking of you. The aim is always to perfect HIM, not the ego.

Seeking Up has been created by me, through Him, to hold a platform for inspiring Jesus loving souls, to seek a deeper urge of living for Him. His calling upon me to do this, has been typical of what He has set me up for throughout my life. That is, never conform to mankind. ONLY surrender to MY CALL.

You see, I am known to be the swim upstream type of gal. I don’t go with the group for trend, or for comfort. I know, me being uncomfortable ALWAYS leads to growth in which honors and shines HIS holy name.

I noticed for a few months in my new business, that I was seeking out the acceptance of Christian man. I was caught up on, why aren’t they seeing the Jesus coming out of my office? After much prayer and reflection, I realized this was more about my ego, and less about what His intention was. You see, this platform isn’t for the Christian that is regimented in religion, it is for the broken, that are in need to regain a relationshop with Him. The ministry of bringing God in a personal way to souls, isn’t one He needs me to be glorified by. The glory only needs to be owned by Him.

The moment I realized this was the case, was the moment I realized He was calling me to do something else. While my soul was prepping for the fact He was about to take this away and start something new, I had a vision of someone, that shall remain anonymous, that needed my service after losing a beloved one at Sandy Hook Elementary School. When I was shown this, I knew this was not only why He called me to open this business in Newtown, CT, but to have done it in a space that was sealed with privacy and respect: A Chapel. There is a past story to this union between this beautiful soul and I, for another time. But let me just say, this isn’t our first rodeo that Jesus has aligned us together for perfect holy intention.

Before she ever entered the space, the presence of the Lord was overwhelming me. I felt as if I could barely stay in my body. Her healing was like none other I had ever imagined able to be a part of. A true honor. It was emotional and exhausting to my spirit, while also offering a level of certainty that is beyond our humanness. I left that day feeling like if I was to never do another healing out of that space, I have done well. It was as if, this was my grand finale of Jesus saying “well done my child”. The knowing I left with that day, was THE knowing, that my time here is done.

I was not only finished with my new business in Newtown, CT. I am finished with my session of life in Connecticut.

Weeks after this healing, I was standing on the beach in Florida praying to the Lord for clarity. My husband and I had already spent days searching for a town/city in Florida to call home. I was tired, overwhelmed, and irritated. I was told from prayer this was our next space. Why wasn’t our search meshing with my intentions and my spirit? While surrounding it with my arms wide open in prayer, I asked the Lord to be perfectly clear on where He wants me. I don’t want to settle for “Eh it feels ok”, I want to hear my spirit scream “THIS IS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT”. The Lord responded to this prayer immediately and said: “I hear you. You still have one place to go. I will not only bless you with what you have asked, I will bless you beyond measure”. The picture attached to this post, was me in this prayer. This picture taken by my husband, was never altered. That spiral you see in the energy of my spirit and the Holy Spirit, dancing in delight of our communication.

The next day we drove to the very last place on our list to visit. And guess what happened? It screamed home. We looked at serval house possibilities and we worried about finances and how this would work. Then I remembered His promise on the beach. A week after our trip, we found a house that was “beyond measure” of what we asked for. The largest square feet for our family of five, while owning a very reasonable price tag that was a price only God could offer. It is ours. And we are going.

When admiring someones life as being what everyone wishes they could have, remind yourself, it can be yours too. All you have to do is choose wisely. You are your own worst road block in living your very best life. A life Jesus desperately wants for you.

I have no idea what He has next for me in Florida, but I know, no matter what it is, healings, teaching, social worker, or perhaps a food bagger, I will do it with pride knowing I am in the exact place I have been called to be.

By Him, Through Him, ALL things are possible.

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Bold Faith

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Radical.
It was my word for 2020. I’ve been carrying it on my back and in my heart since.
Be bold and do what He calls upon me.

I certainly didn’t expect it today when I was getting my eye brows waxed, He would call upon me in such a brazen way.
You see- I usually need to “tune into” my giftings to utilize them.
Apparently being still in someone’s chair as they rip hairs off my face – must equal my zen state or something because I started to get clear messages.
I heard words and saw visions.
Secretly while Maria waxed my brows (who, I may add, knows me but isn’t my normal Waxer who really knows me), I begged God to NOT make me open my mouth and “embarrass” myself.
She handed me a mirror to check my new framed brows.
I took a deep breath and said “I don’t know if you know what I do for a living but I have an important question for you”.
I asked her: “when you were little did anyone ever call you their little flower”
She said no – not her.
I turned to the girls at the front desk and said “either of you?”. They said no.
I apologized (and I am while also working on not doing this and owning my truth), and walked out worried my safe brow waxing place would now think of me as a freak.

As I got into my car, I heard “petunia” and “grandparent”. Part of me wanted to go back in, but my ego won and I drove away just comforting myself with “at least you were bold Aimee”.

I got home and was telling the story to my husband, when I suddenly got a message. It was a text from the girl at the front desk of my wax place to tell me her grandmother used to call her “little petunia”.
In most of my cases, usually this means the spirit is on the otherside, however today this spirit is very much alive and living in Sarasota, FL. Which funny enough – while getting my brows done, and before getting the messages, I had shared I was moving too! Through texting we figured out why she needed this message and she thanked me.

I was left wondering: What was that? While also feeling the most alive and the most ME I have ever been! Why? Because these are things I hear and see all the time , but choose ignore often.

I have been calling it my very “Long Island Medium” moment. While also knowing this is just the start. I opened something up today that felt really right, but incredibly scary.
Regardless of what others may say, I know that this is what I was made for, and the only opinion that matters is Christ.
When He tells me I must open my mouth. I do. I will not ask questions. I will not hesitate. I will do as He says, without worry of what man says.
Today He opened the door that I have stood at with my hand on the handle for decades now. Today I was brave enough to walk through it.

Whatever your gifting may be that He has crowned you with- walk through the doors He leads you to- unapologetically and with radical JOY. Even when – especially when- it feels like you may just vomit. His calling is most apparent when you can not do the work without Him. That it glorifies HIM and not the vessel.

Today the vessel (me), was scared of her own shadow, but the Holy Spirit in me- is unwavering. It stands tall and mighty, and reminds my human flesh – that it isn’t ME – it is HIM.

He is BOLD and Radical. May my backbone stretch out to be perfectly aligned with what He calls to run through me.
May my ONLY wish ever be that I am remembered for living the same BOLD faith that I preach.

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50BD83DC-A164-4C4B-AD16-6DFDD72DBDC3It’s true. I am a cross between a “woke” Californian hippy and a deeply Jesus loven Holy Spirit lit southerner, that lives in cynical, jaded New England that had a reputation for not accepting either. This makes it very difficult for someone like me, to find my space and my people. What else is new though? I was always made to go against the grain. However this past year, this was actually a favorable lesson in learning about the only one whose judgement matters. Him.

2019 was the year I stopped apologizing for it. I no longer cared that I sang worship music to loud with the windows down, nor that I admittedly have a gift to talk to dead people. I no longer feel the need to define who I am by other people’s constructs on what a “good Christian” looks like, nor do I feel compelled to define myself as a bunch of checked boxes.
I am all of the above.
In 2019 I became brave. Unapologetically – radically brave. For me- knowing from a vision He has blessed me with-this is only the start.

2019 gifted me new eyes to see that I was drowning in a career that was toxic and no longer letting me grow. It gifted me new eyes knowing that in systems, all lives are replaceable, so I could no longer live my life for a system. I needed my life to be lived for Him. When I started to pray about this, God started fo open so many doors to confirm this was the journey that was meant for me in Him. Leaving a career that had steady income, benefits, retirement, and the summers off seemed incredibly stupid to some, but it literally saved my life.
My very vibrant soul was dying and I didn’t even know it until I left.
2019 I became free.

I let the Lord lead while I trusted. I opened up a business not knowing a thing on how to do that, and continue to learn. I  didn’t advertise, trusting He would send me the people He needed me to heal. I have never in my life felt more humble and more vulnerable. I was now letting the world see my giftings, that open many up to having lots of opinions on being “Christ like”. The Bible has hundreds of supernatural healings in it, we pray for them to happen all the time, but somehow humanness gets in the way when I tell people I do this for a living. Every single day I rely on Jesus to use me as a vessel. I am so blessed by this, and watching amazing things happen in people’s lives, including finding a relationship in Jesus. Yet my own church people seem to be the hardest group to convince of the radical Jesus I am encountering on a daily basis.

I keep telling myself this is ok because He has set me free to be brave. My ego doesn’t need to be stroked by my church people being in amazement on how He uses me. He uses me for the people that need Him.

My favorite story of 2019 about this was when a woman “randomly” found me on the internet (thank you Holy Spirit). She drove almost an hour to me and we had an instant connection. She sent her entire family to me, and I kidded I would end up in their Christmas card photo this year.  This beautiful Jesus loving human, one day sent me extra money she called “tithing”. Why? Because she saw first hand how Jesus is working through me and felt the desire to bless my business in His name. A beautiful gift of saying “I see you Aimee- being vulnerable and brave, keep going”.

And I did. I kept going. Over a hundred healings in 2019. Each and every one completely different. Every single one Jesus showed up. Every single one, I questioned if I was worthy or knew what I was doing. Every single one, the person left with a piece they didn’t come in with, and a flooding of His love and light through my palms. I know even at 1000 I will still question if I know what I am doing, because I eat the humble pie knowing, nothing of this is me. All of it is always HIM.

When I came back from Heaven as a kid I had no idea that His question before I came back to earth, “what have you done for your fellow man”, didn’t only mean a list of good deeds as a social worker. It meant how do you live your life in my name, while being so vulnerable it aches when you show up, but willing to give your all. This love is double sided.

So upon all the December’s I have ever lived on this earth as Aimee, I can tell you I have never reached one quite like this. One that my soul literally screams out praises of grateful heart. Even the 2019 heart that was hurt by judgements of others, lost friendships, heart ache, sickness, and so many other bad news days. Because I am now living my life filled to the brim in His greatness. Knowing, I can adore Him year round, every single day. Because I took a brave yes, I let Him open me to aching vulnerability, and my livelihood actually depends on Him meeting me where I am at.

2019 – you beautiful, Holy Spirit filled love of my life, Thank you for returning me to my best version. That is me living my life through Him and for Him. May I never forget the year I was gifted this abundance.

Brave and Free, I lead by His abundant love and grace.

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