Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

“Keep Still” I tell my soul. “Stay here on the mat, with the sound of the ocean, and the sand at your feet. Isn’t it beautiful?”

I drift.

“Not beautiful down the street where hundreds of homes are ruined, people are now homeless, and lives devastated. But you go on with your warrior pose”.

I flow in-between peace and heartache. 

Driving to beach yoga this morning was nothing short  of life altering. A road I have traveled dozens of times that always brought joy – I now held my breath while holding my heart. 

The truth is I wasn’t going to evacuate. 

The day before the storm I was prepping and preparing to become a “real Floridian”. I woke up to different news I went to sleep with – the national news was now calling my town by name saying it could be a direct hit. They reported a 90% chance it would hit Englewood, FL (which happens to be where I was beach yoga-ing) and a 70% chance of winds in a category 4 storm. This was not what I was expecting. My phone was blowing up with text messages of people worried asking if I was evacuating. My first answer was “no”.  Then an old friend from my hometown in Rhode Island messaged me, a vet from the coastguard and a long time resident of down south. She sweetly said “I don’t want to insult your intelligence but this storm is nothing like anything you ever encountered in New England.” She then went on to tell me to make sure I put food upstairs and an axe incase I needed to get on my second story roof with my family in the middle of a horrific storm. Then I packed my bags. 

We loaded the car up with kids and dogs, and said goodbye to our locked up house. 

Off we went to higher grounds. 

Right before we arrived I broke. I wailed cried – because I suddenly realized in a moments notice I packed a bag of a few outfits each and brought nothing else. There was a chance I would return to nothing. I started to list all the things in my head I left that I loved behind that could not be replaced. I started to think about the fact that if we stayed our entire family and our home might not have survived. And I cried. 

Even though I felt solace when the storm had passed that my home had minimal damage and all of my people were safe, my community was incredibly devastated.The weird thing is they didn’t know it.They had no electricity to see the news – I did. 

I thought watching the news on tv had prepared me for the days ahead when I would witness it live.

It did not.

Especially as an Empath.

I had high hopes of riding in on my crisis high horse and be able to save the day.I could not. I arrived hitting a brick wall of grief and trauma.   

All of my crisis training and being in a million crisis teams went out the window- I could not be the vessel of taking on others pain – because I was the person feeling pain. 

Suddenly being a social worker was useless.Suddenly being a healer wasn’t in the cards.They only thing that stood as tall as the mountains through the storm was my faith.

I sang worship music.

I prayed.

I thanked God over and over.

I layed on the mat thanking Him for the beauty of this beach, the seagulls chirping, the light breeze, the sand in-between my toes, and the ability to do yoga amongst two of my friends, while also honoring the heaviness of catastrophe.  
And still I rise … in knowing God has a plan. I don’t need to know or have control because He does. I just need to …. Be Still.

Read Full Post »

Happy Landings Brookfield, Ct

The beauty about returning is we are reminded of all the things we have healed from but are not aware of. Sometimes the deepest of healing takes place in corners of silence and honor. Returning also shows all of the people and places that loved us through it.
Time and places that held so much pain rooted in my soul – finally freed. The poison was dug and dispensed in the sun and ocean of my new rooted space, and is now gone gone gone.
People and spaces of love that filled my heart over running with reminders that I was loved then as I am loved now. That unlike this space I once called home, their love is not seasonal but steady unwavering constant warmth summer like the new place I root and call home.
Thank you Rhode Island and Connecticut for reminding me how far I have come and how loved I have always been.

Read Full Post »

I can not put a single finger on why I left part of my heart in California.

Perhaps it was San Francisco, with her rainbow adorned colored inclusive streets, and her beautiful painted ladies Victorian homes. It could be the brisk to the bone air, that came in from the bay filled with hazy fog, that cleaned my lungs from the heaviness of humidity. Or could it be the majestic Golden Gate that literally takes your breath away upon site, or the silliness of the wild seals and sea lions dancing upon the wharf.

Maybe it was the deep spiritual awakening I had, while entering the Redwoods forest. The grandeur of the trees that also felt so protective and inviting. A place I had never been but felt like immediate home. Every branch and root with its own story to tell when I touched it. I realized that day, without a doubt, I was actually a tree hugger for life.

Could it be Sonoma, when I reconnected with an old friend in wine country? With pristine panoramic views, and stories of the land rooted in missionary work. A small quaint downtown that offered local artistry and healthily food choices.

Possibly, it was Monterey, a diamond of the coast. Its gorgeous landscapes and beaches. The patch of grass I rooted myself into the earth in, that felt like velvet. The sea life, the sea smell, the sea color, all of what is the sea…just filled my heart to the brim. Every rock on the beach I picked up felt like a song of the sea. Out of all the places, this one I promised my soul I would return to.

Then, there was Big Sur, where I could barely catch my breath. The dangerous, steep, large cliffs with the winding roads, that met the most picturesque churning sea. I felt like I was a speck of dust, in the midst of one of Gods huge creations.

Los Angeles, how exciting you are! Filled with lights, camera, action, every minute of the day. Gorgeous homes mounted in massive hills, quaint everyday restaurants holding some of the biggest names in Hollywood, and admiring the walk of fame, realizing my hands fit perfectly into Emma Stone prints. Old Hollywood and new, I became a fascinated spectator. I was completely surprised by the amount of wealth the writer of the song “I like to move it move it” had, when I saw his lavish home that overlooked the same point where the Hollywood sign is. Even in our hotel in Santa Monica, producers quietly discussed upcoming plans for various tv shows, and a confessional piece was being shot in the hotel. This city of angels ran on production which left me in awe but wondering where the people go to be real?

Then there is you, sweet Malibu. Your pristine beaches, warm people, and sunsets of a dream. The air, even though so close to the city of LA, has a slowed down pace, that lets one feel connected to self and surroundings. Malibu is like a love song filled with perfect lyrics and notes. Its lavish homes in the hills dripping in excess over looking the ocean, do not reflect the humble, grounded, sweet residents we met there (including the real Gidget). Malibu: It was a treasure I felt so excited to find.

Had I been in my twenties on this trip, I don’t think I would’ve returned east. California spoke to my being in a way I hadn’t expected and showed me a part of my country that was so incredibly different in its nature. It brought something alive in me, that was fast asleep. I look forward to returning to my west coast roots I left in the woods and amongst the ocean. A lesson learned, you should travel your own country too.

Read Full Post »

My Brain

🧠 🌸💗
My brain.
Most of the beautiful things I have offered the world has come from it. It has led me a life of awe and wonder. It has gifted me the love of learning for my life’s entirety.
For as many medical concerns my body has endured in my 40’s – this past 6 months have been the most detrimental in healing as the very core of my existence. Some would argue its the heart – the brain is still the boss to it all. I have carried it like a newborn baby for the past 6 months – in its fragility – making sure I dotted all the I’s and crossed all the T’s – while also hurdling the MOST pain I have ever been in AND the most fatigue.
As most of you know last October, a brain surgeon locally wanted to do emergent brain surgery on me since I was in excruciating pain and losing my eye sight progressively fast. Lucky for me, a medication we tried on a hope and prayer not only took down the pressure in my brain, it also slowed the process of my optic nerve swelling and my eye sight dwindling. This medication is very hard on the body – it has given me fatigue like I have never in my life have had – but it has also gifted me time.
This time has created space to seek healthcare options with the very best in our country: The Mayo Clinic. To my surprise they took my complex case. Back in December I met with the Neuro surgeon via video and he disagreed with my local Neuro surgeon saying I needed to make sure we turn over every stone possible and find the reasoning why, before we rush into brain surgery. He referred me to get a special MRI that on my side of Florida is not available, and see a headache specialist/neurologist. Meanwhile I followed up with my local person, who decided upon reviewing my case, that – and this is his words: “I don’t need to see you anymore you are fine. All you have to do is lose 90lbs and you will be cured. Count your calories”. Need I remind you SAME person who wanted to do emergency surgery just months prior.
Fast forward to this week when I actually got to go to the Mayo Clinic for the the special 2 hour MRI at 6:30am so that it was ready for my afternoon appointment with the headache specialist. From the moment I walked into Mayo Jacksonville it literally felt like THE best of the best. The quality of care I received even in the radiology department was NEXT to none! My personal favorite was while stuck in a tube for two hours I was able to listen to my favorite Christian music and the head piece they locked my head into- had a mirror that let me see outside of the machine to help with feeling claustrophobic. Then later that day I get to the headache specialist who shows me the very detailed amazing MRI I just had that morning. It showed me a few things – my pituitary gland is empty and deformed, my optic nerve is still angry and swelling of my eyes still present, and the veins behind my brain and around my ears are swollen. Some of this is possible in being restored some are permanent. What was clear was I was misdiagnosed by the original local Neuro surgeon that could’ve done brain surgery for no reason because it wouldn’t have helped 😳‼️I actually don’t have a true Chiari Malformation it just looks like the back of my brain is hanging low because my pseudo tumor is pushing it out. Infact my pseudo tumor is making everything in my brain angry. Although the medication is helping – it’s not a long term – best quality of life – option. So the neurologist who specializes in pseudo tumors wants to find out the WHY and get me off the medication. So what does that mean? I need to no longer use retinol in my skincare, I can’t use doxycycline if I have a Lyme flare, I need to keep my anemia in check, I need to get tested for blood clotting disorders as well as sleep apnea, and the most common thing related to this – is I have to lose weight. Unlike how the other guy just flippantly said “lose 90lbs count your calories you will be cured”, this doctor said with my history of hormonal issues and severe inflammation- the typical way most likely won’t work in my favor. Especially since we are looking for fast acting results for fast relief – and she isn’t looking for 90lbs she is looking for 20% of my weight to be gone. So I will be going for a consultation at the Mayo Clinic at the Bariatric center – to hear about both non surgical and surgical options. If you are reading this and have had weight loss surgery – I would love to hear your own personal pros and cons. I am also obviously looking into non invasive ways if they will work for what I have going on with my body. I am so grateful for the care Mayo Clinic provided me the other day- so seamless between departments and labs- and so understanding. The Neurologist explained to me step by step what was happening in my brain and why I needed to take a few new medicines for now – while I go through the process of losing weight. And praise GOD – no brain surgery for me! 🙌🏻

Read Full Post »

I woke to a new year, staring at the wall of the old me. It had incapsulated much of who I had been over the past few years since I made it, but it was falling short of who I have become and where I am going. This vision board I once dreamed of, was now semi-history, yet it was the first thing i woke up to every single day.

Poetic some would say, on how I had been living my life. One foot in the box of my past, the other in the present, and no eligible foot for the future. In order to make room for the future, i had to let go of what might feel comfortable, but no longer serving the spirit of radical transformation.

So I climbed up on the ladder and took it down. It wasn’t ”new year new me“. It was making way for God to press new things into my life, while letting the things He already declared dead, to fall away. I happen to be the worst at fall away. I want to carry it all in colorful life luggage with me, because at one point it served a purpose and I loved it. However, I am learning that carrying dead things impact your wellness physically, mentally, and spiritually. They are just to heavy when they no longer are baring fruit.

So for a few days I looked at this board and what I once saw as my future intentions. Some my spirit rebuked even at the sight, some I still longed to happen, and some I had already done but was still declaring it new. Today I decided my 2018 vision board would be updated to 2022 Aimee. I decided to keep the things I’m still working on, keep the things I intend for the future, and I added a lot of things that resonate with me. In 2018 health concerns weren’t in my wheelhouse, either was living in another state, or being transformed at such a rapid pace.

I added one of my favorite pictures of Jesus pulling out of the water, and this time I wrote my prayers/intentions underneath it as a declaration of my rooted footings in the present and the future.

Now I will wake up everyday to possibility.

Read Full Post »

No Resolve;Only honor.

This past year, 2021, has blessed me. It has given vision and perception I didn’t have the year before it.  Even in the moments it had scared me to the core with my own health scares, I rejoice in the blessing and the lesson it delivered. Although admittedly since moving down south to what often feels like an entirely different country, I have to say I have never grown as much as I have in the past two years. Removing myself from roots that only made me cling to what I knew, forced me to grow into something else. After scrolling through social media, I may be one of the only people that have paid credit to the years 2020 and 2021. They have truly laid ground work that I had never ventured on. They have also been the most confusing years of my life. I am not sure who I am here on this new ground or what I want to be, yet I am the most healthy (mentally) I have ever been. I have literally shed careers, characteristics, people, that no longer serve this version. I feel the most free of what was holding me back, then I have in decades. Even when I had months of worrying about my own fate, I sat in gratitude for the chances I had been giving. I even at one point told God in prayer, “if you decide to take me, I will going willing with a grateful heart.”   Starting new, with huge changes, has rewarded me in the deepest most rewarding ways. I have owned all of my past unhealthy habits and dissected them. I have been rewarded with optimism and resilience, that the best is yet to come.  However, there is still some major work to be done. 

Looking forward, I came to the realization that often I retreat in order to please others. For many reasons, I am having a hard time serving that to the world authentically when I am willingly abandoning myself. Finding my voice is still the hardest journey I have ever been on. Which is funny, I surround myself with brazen woman that often forget to filter before speaking their mind, never mind speaking it whole heartedly. I get caught up on the worry of what others feel over my own value. As we sit in such an angry, divided, cancel culture, world right now, suddenly owning my voice seems almost scarier then the idea of immediate brain surgery did. However, I must. Internally I have done the hard inner works. I have pulled all the roots poisoning me from my past, but not owning my voice, is making me ill.

Another lesson I plan to work on in 2022, is looking at the truth. I often like to perceive in my head an unrealistic world that feels so good and real. When often in reality it isn’t even close to my pretend one. I give to many chances to people that I should’ve let go at the third time they let me down, not wait until the hundredth. I can’t dilute others ugly in order for me to pretty it up in my head to hold them high. Sometimes, just like a job, a place, a perfume; you no longer fit like you used to and it shouldn’t be watered down and fluffed up. When the fragrance is foul, It just needs to be let go of.  

Regardless, if today was my last day on earth, I would die with zero regrets and a heart of gratitude. Even if I kept my mouth quiet more then I should have, or wore rose colored glasses when looking at people in my life that perhaps never looked good in rose.  On this last night of 2021 I regret not a thing. On this last night of 2021 I honor with love all the lessons God gave me to grow; even the ones that felt impossible. I resolve nothing. I honor and grow into everything. 

Read Full Post »


Yesterday I was 44. Today the branch I sprouted a year ago to the moment  is now rooted in maturity and depth beneath my being. Aligning me in ways I deemed impossible, changing me in ways I hadn’t expected, grounding me into places in this earth I hadn’t known existed.The start of year 44 didn’t feel different when it began. It felt repetitive rooted in the same soil I had been content in for years. I forgot how lethal this could be. Especially for a soul that was made for progression not stagnancy. Then I started to get ill. I would wake most days in pain, with constant flu like symptoms, and barely able to stay awake. I was literally sleeping my life away- unable to work – unable to do most things. When I had hope that the diagnosis of Lupus would be the “cure” I needed, I quickly found out in a matter of months this would be the least of my worries. Suddenly I was losing my eye sight rapidly, my entire body inflamed and angry, what I thought was constant sinus pressure ended up being a pseudo tumor in my brain and my constant pain in the base of my neck – happened to be my brain hanging to low out of skull (chiari). My entire being felt as if it was being attacked physically. I gained more weight in a year then ever before – not because of my deep love of chocolate and baked goods – because lord knows I also went months with zero appetite- it was and is extreme inflammation. Unwavering inflammation that didn’t change for diets or medication – and has put me in sizes I have never seen before. For a good month – the team of doctors working on my case thought imminent brain surgery was the only option. I wrestled with this monster of an under taking for weeks. I never prayed quite like this before. I had zero control or choice – I was in pain and losing my eyesight. I truly didn’t know if I could survive brain surgery. I started to get my things in order. I started to surrender to the fact that I may die at 44. In the middle of this desperate time of surrender to the Lord, I heard a sermon on how even when we are in the furnace, the Lord is able to break chains to things not intended for us. Meaning eventhough I was handing over my life/death, He was not only working on that one thing – but ALL things that were toxic mentally, physically, spiritually, that needed to be cast out. I knew in a hotel in Disney World when I was worshipping that something shifted in me. The fear turned to peace – I was no longer begging for my life, I was admiring the fruit He grew on this limb 44 – and how it cried out to Him “do what you wish Lord”.

So I opened my eyes to hear 45. Able to SEE. ALIVE. Without immediate brain surgery. My body has a lot of work to be done. So many answers still waiting to be uncovered. BUT… I REJOICE in knowing 🌱🪴🌳the roots are recalibrated, the soil freshly overturned, and I am no long in stagnancy. I may be in a time of rest but I have a feeling year 45 is about to bring me an unopened fruitful gift that I have been preparing for. 

I am grateful the core of me shook all the dead leaves to the ground when I was scared and alone facing mortality. 

I am grateful that I was able, even when I was physically the most ill I have ever been, to spiritually grow leaps and bounds that the nectar tastes so sweet from the fruit of limbs grown from seed to solid. 

I am grateful I learned what true surrender is. 

I am grateful that in the end I always choose Him. 

I am 45 today because He planned it as such. 

Today I am 45 planting a new seed in the soil waiting for the shoot to grow out- and see what is to come of this year ahead? 

One thing is for sure: growth is no longer an option; it is an observation. He will change me 1,000 times over for what He has called me for. All is well with my soul. 

Hallelujah I’m alive for 45. 

Read Full Post »

It’s another day. I am sick again. I lay awake staring at the ceiling wondering how I will rise above what my body is experiencing.

Every joint in my body aches from the tips of my fingers to the tips of my toes. My fingers and toes sometimes result in tingling and numbness. I feel like I have a fever without actually having a fever. My vision is blurry and shaky, with a constant pain behind my eyes. My neck feels like it has a rock being carried under my skin full of pressure and ache. My spine feels like it is being pressed down leaving me with constant lower back and sciatic pain. I am nausous and exhausted. My entire body is inflamed, swollen, and I am unable to lose any weight. I haven’t smelled out of my nose completely since moving to Florida in early 2020. I have constant sinus pain and headaches. Sometimes I am so dizzy, disoriented, and brain fogged, I feel like I may pass out. I’ve become forgetful when I am famously known by all that know and love me to have one of the sharpest memories ever made.

It’s been like this for so long, I can’t remember what it is like to feel “normal”. I have lost my ability to work and be present in a lot of my daily life. I am literally living in a vortex of surivial every single day. For months I have dealt with doctors either brushing me off saying things like, “Oh chronic fatigue is what you have, and it’s called motherhood”, or clinically diagnosing me with a range of difficult diagnoses that aren’t so clear cut, like Lupus. What I refuse to give my sickness is my willingness to concede in counting my blessings and knowing the Lord will lead me through this. I have prayed daily for answers. A cry out of need, “Please Lord clarify what this is so I can get help and LIVE again”. Like the faithful Father He is, He answered. Sure it isn’t the path I would’ve liked. However, He answered, and I will not waver in my faith knowing I am drenched in His love.

I sat in a neuro ophthalmologists office, not even a week after going for a routine eye check up. During that routine check up last week, my new eye doctor noticed my optic nerve was severely inflamed. She showed me a picture of a “normal”optic nerve verses mine, and I welled up in tears. This picture defined exactly what I have felt like for months. It was a work of expressive art, while also screaming “HELP ME”! She referred me to this specialist, who also did a battery of testing. While I waited for him to enter his office, I prayed asking the Lord, ” Please God let this be the person with clear answers for me. I can not continue to live like this. I need you to work through him. Please give him the answers God”. The doctor enters and very matter of factly says, ” I believe you have Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension in your brain and we need to do an MRI, MRV, and a lumbar puncture to fully diagnosis you accurately”. I walked out of that office full of unknowns, while knowing the Lord delivered what I prayed for, I was finally getting answers.

,I was laying in an MRI machine with my face caged in like a Hannibal Lecter scene, with loud 1970’s music blasting in my ears. A folk song came on talking about utopia and resurrection and I realize the Lord is with me even in the most uncomfortable moments. In fact, it is so easy to spot Him in the goodness in life, and not in the ones we struggle with. I take the time, with tears rolling down my cheeks, thanking Him for bringing me here for answers even though I am counting the seconds to get out of here. I ask Him,”Please lord let this test show them exactly what they need”. I go on to pray for others that are also in uncomfortable positions right now. I thank Him for providing them answers and next steps too.

Days later, the doctor calls to tell me, I am not doing a lumbar puncture, its to dangerous, because I also have something called Chiari Malformation, which means my brain is hanging low out of my skull. He refers me to a neuro surgeon. The neuro surgeon confirms both the pseudo tumor (Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension) and Chiari malformation. After examining me, he decides the best course of action is brain surgery. He warns me this may not be the entire cause of all my symptoms, but believes many of them will be relieved with these procedures. He tells me nothing will help with the pressure in my head or the pain except for possibly medical marijuana. He wants to do the procedure most likely next month, because the pressure is actively stealing my eye sight. If I continue without surgery, I could start passing out and have seizures, and even possibly go blind for life.

In two weeks time, I went from a routine eye check up to needing brain surgery, after months and months of suffering. Not the answer to my prayers I had hoped for, but certainly a clear answer. As I prepare for this mountain to climb, I praise Him for clarity and loving me enough to align all the right people in my path. I know the road ahead will not be easy for me or those I love, but it is necessary in order for me to live the way He has called me for.

Sometimes in life the answers to our prayers are hard to digest but are still prayers answered. I can not even begin to imagine walking this path ahead without faith. As, the only way for me to survive daily is to surrender it ALL to Him. I refuse to let the fear own me, when whatever the outcome is happens to be dripping in Jesus’ love and desires for me. This my friends, is the ultimate test of faith. If He knows all the details of me, including how many hairs are on my head, He will not leave a stone unturned in this process.

For now, I am pausing in helping to heal others through my hands, for I arrived in a season of rest. For this healer, needs the ultimate healer to heal her. I have no doubt He will deliver.

Read Full Post »

The Process Of Blooming

It has been a long time since I filled this space. It certainly hasn’t been for lack of words, or creative things to write about. By now we all know my greatest way of expressing myself is when I give myself some room to write it. It is my sacred raw art.

Art seem so vast when considering what an artist is. When you create you are art. I recently have received this in my heart knowing that my creativity, what I birth into the world, is my personal artistic expression.

A young beautiful spirit helped me to recognize and honor this recently. I was laying on her table as she tattooed my shoulder and arm for hours. She was discussing her own journey as an artist. She was not born to only be a tattoo artist, but a beautiful botanical water color painter and all around creator. There are things even she has not released about her potential or what will move her that is to come. She knows, however, she does not need to be defined only on what pays her bills for the moment. As she discussed this with me, I felt a deep kindred response in spirit to this.

My nine lives that people love to kid that I have lived in one life, isn’t because I give up easy, it is because I need to create new. I need to grow an change. I am forever budding and blossoming. I can never stay in stagnancy and create. I can never birth to the world my best self when I am sitting in repressed pain and numbing. I need to feel it all, heal, and rebirth.

I haven’t been missing from this space because of lack motivation or inspiration, but because of movement. The past year I have finally produced what God has asked me to do for decades. I finally wrote a book proposal of my memoir. It has plucked every part of my being out of me and into my art. I literally poured my heart and soul into it. Today my friends, I deliver it.

It contains all of who I am, and how God has moved me through it. It released generational pain that I repressed in hopes it would disappear. It reshaped my art as no longer inspirational, but of my deeply raw core, clutching for mercy upon the reader. My art for the very first time, exudes all me, in all nature.

Not so surprisingly, the tattoo I recently got from the beautiful artist, symbolized this. Not only was it an ode to the major women in my life and how our favorite flower is a peony, it was about growth. The beautiful artiest portrayed the story of how I often bloom in beauty, but also struggle in a bud waiting to bloom.

Life as an artist, regardless of what it is, is the ebb and flow of allowing room for the “and both”. We must continue in honoring what helped us to blossom, while also sitting in the process of the bud to bloom.

I am grateful to be able to birth words into the world that impact others, simply by being who God has created me to be.

Read Full Post »

Free Therapy: Self Havening

Self Havening For Everyday Healing

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »